Help Me To Know You More...

“ ⁴ Love Jesus is patient and kind. Love  Jesus is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It Jesus does not demand its his own way. It  Jesus is not irritable, and it  Jesus keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It  Jesus does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love  Jesus never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT) –changes are mine…

Down on my knees and in desperation, my heart cried for help. I tried to be as quiet as I should be so as not to disturb the others in the house I was living in. Darkness covered the entire room where I was kneeling on the floor, my cheeks and eyes soaked with tears. It had been many years of loneliness, of feeling alone. It had been years of endless struggles to finish Nursing in a foreign land. It had been years of suffering and treading through the waters without any relief on sight.

“I’m sorry…”I whispered without allowing the forming sobs to be audible. The beams from the moonlit night penetrated the sole window in that room I was in…

“Please help me! I don’t think I can go on any longer…” I uttered softly.

“Could it be?” I asked myself…

“That I am in love? Just like that? How could it be?” as I felt something heavy got lifted up into the air and vanished. My shoulders became strong. My heart felt light. My tears of despair, replaced with an unfamiliar feeling. Of joy!

I did not know how long I was in that position with bended knees and neck flexed low. I looked up and there up on the wall, I saw the moonlight illuminated a face. Jesus’…

That was the early 90’s…To this day, I’m still very much in love. With Jesus. Because His love touched me. Love that is not comparable to the kind of love this world teaches or knows. His love frees. His love is true. His love is everlasting. His love is faithful. His love knows no bounds. His love is high. His love is deep. His love wide. His love is long…

¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

What does being a Christian mean?

What does it mean to “walk the talk?”

What does it mean “to willingly serve?”

But there’s this question for everyone…

“How much do you know about Jesus?”

“Jesus…the lover of our souls…”

Help me to know more about You, Jesus…Draw me near to You…Thank You for Your unconditional love…

God Bless...

“What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.” – Isaiah 5:20 (NLT)

Looking through the inmates’ eyes as they tell me “God bless you!” I am always careful when to respond back or not. Someone can sense the sincerity or lack of it if certain words are spoken.

Working for 12 years now in a correctional setting, I used to pass medications in a particular facility for almost a year. There, I learned through inmates what their “lingo” meant.

“Be careful, Nurse Rcubes,” warned one long ago.

“Others who tell you ‘God bless you’ doesn’t mean it is what they hope for you…They will say that with you thinking how respectful of them to you...but the meaning was the opposite...So,they won't get in trouble..."

“What do you mean?” I probed after he downed the prescribed pills I handed to his open right palm and as he quickly took a sip of water from his small, brown cup, he tried to explain…

“Well, it can also mean that they are cursing you by saying that…”

“Ahhh…Okay…I got it. Thanks!”

“Look who’s here!” exclaimed one from the back of the line as everyone slowly got up at the wee hours of the morning to get their pills from me.

“It’s the pusher!” he joked around.

I kept giving the medications to those ahead of him until it was him who was in front of me.

“What did you say about me?”

“I was just joking, Ma’am.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate it. I’m not a ‘pusher’. I want you to know that I am doing an important job of giving prescribed medications to all those who need it. Including you. There was nothing funny about what you said.”

He smirked. Got his pills. Thanked me. And said….

“God bless you…”

I kept silent. He didn’t expect that. As one tall man behind him with closed fists whispered to his neck, “You better apologize to this nurse.” He turned around, ready to fight back. Only to find out that he was facing a giant. A lot bigger than him. He cowered and apologized immediately. My protector was one of the long-time incarcerated male who happened to have a heart problem. I made sure that he always got his pills on time and before they would run out, I made sure the doctor already had reordered them. Expected role I needed to accomplish. But a big thing to him who was in need and learned to appreciate that.

Good and evil simply don’t mix.  God is holy and righteous…

“Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness.” – Luke 11:24 (NIV)

“See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.” – Luke 11:35 (NIV)

“You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. You have wearied him by saying that all who do evil are good in the LORD's sight, and he is pleased with them. You have wearied him by asking, "Where is the God of justice?" – Malachi 2:17 (NLT)

Wrong Weapon

“⁸ Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:8-9 (NIV)

I was still trying to finish a particular inmate’s medical chart after seeing him when I saw the Charge Nurse opening an envelope that had the ER doctor’s orders in it. I knew that another inmate had just arrived from the hospital.

“Let me just finish my charting and I can see her,” I told the Charge Nurse.

Seeing I was so busy, it was nice enough for her to take the inmate’s vital signs and so I didn’t need to do anything but just take care of the orders. Except…I still wanted to see her and make sure she was okay because the charting of our observations would fall on me then. I didn’t want to write “inmate without distress and doing well” without even seeing her even though the other nurse had seen and already talked with her.

She went out for vaginal bleeding. 3 months on the way. 9^th pregnancy as I recalled. Looking tired, she was dressed up in those blue paper gowns except her back was not showing. Everything was paper even her shoes.

“What happened? Are you okay?” I asked as she looked up and gave me a weary smile.

“I’m fine now, Nurse. I bled a lot earlier,” she replied.

“Are you still bleeding a lot now?  Are you still having pain?” I asked with deep concern knowing how the Charge Nurse had passed on to me that she felt that ER had returned her to the prison so soon.

“I’m not bleeding as much now, Nurse. My tummy is okay,” she reassured me instead.

“Any stress from your unit or from home that could be the source of your worries?” I asked (It became my routine to ask any inmates this kind of question to probe more as sometimes, the true source of their sufferings which are the not so obvious ones are not known).

Photo Credit

Her calm demeanor was replaced with a hint of reserved anger. Her smile faded away.

“It’s my first time here, Ma’am. Do you know that it’s an assault to use that Mace?”

“If not used properly, yes, I know…”I paused to give her more room to allow her to vent her anger if she wanted to.

“My niece and I had a fight and she was about to attack me. So, I had to defend myself and I pressed on that Mace to ward her off from hurting me…Guess who got arrested? Of course, me!” she uttered with disbelief.

“I’m so sorry that happened. Thank you for telling me. I know it’s easier said than done but I want you to concentrate on healing and focusing on what is in you if you want this baby.”

“I do,” she quickly replied.

“Just be careful next time and while you’re in here, I want you to know that you can ask your unit to call us if there would be any further bleeding or other symptoms you feel are not right. Even if you’re not sure.”

“Thank you,” she replied with a wave of calmness coating her words.

As I had been going through a tough battle regarding my career in the prison against some of the highest seated people who wanted to end my career without any valid reasons, I almost had the tendency to use the wrong weapons at the beginning to repel them. I could have been gossiping, remained angry, and unforgiving. Wrong weapons not provided by God in such unseen battles. It had been a little over a year now and even if I awaited some help from another agency, God reminded me all this time that the battle had been on His hands and the weapons were readily available for me to use.

Using my own strength will never accomplish anything. Keeping God’s weapons inside will just leave me vulnerable to the enemies’ attacks. But used defensively, the enemies’ darts of lies, doubts or temptations are actively repelled. (Glory be to God!).

“¹¹ I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war. ¹² His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. ¹³ He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God.” – Revelation 19:11-13 (NIV) –emphasis is mine…

“¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

– Ephesians 6:17 (NIV) – emphasis is mine…

The Inmate With The Heart Problem

"Do you know what that means?" I asked the Charge Nurse last night at work.

"That was embarrassing. That whatever reason I sent the inmate for, he was treated for something else."

She just smiled but knew where I was coming from as she also went through that somehow, as our county hospital sometimes fails to evaluate the sick inmates further. The hospital sometimes doesn't understand that our prison is not equipped with other medical stuff needed to treat the sick inmates.

I saw his figure disappeared behind the restroom in the waiting area. Upon emerging, he was fixing the strands of his dark hair with his hands on each side of his head. His hair very wet from the water he doused it with.

He was only 24. Well-built. Tall. Scanning his medical chart prior to his arrival in Infirmary, I gathered he often came complaining of chest pain. Always demanding that he needed to have a cardiac echo done because someone told him he had some heart issues. Evading the symptoms and the demands he started whining about, I explained that I was not ignoring his complaint of chest pain but I was trying to rule out if there were any other possible causes as no cause was ever found out anyway from the last time he made a trip to ER.

"You know, like what were you doing prior to having this pain?" I continued...

"Were you exercising heavily or some other games in the yard?"

"I told you, Nurse. I was just resting on my bed." Then, he paused as if he didn't want to spill the next words.

"2 days ago, yes, I did 200 burpees...But I didn't want to go to the hospital so I didn't complain," he softly uttered though it was only him and I chatting in front of the Exam Room I already opened and with the EKG machine nearby.

I asked him to urinate and tested his urine for presence of blood. The urine dipstick came back positive for a large amount of blood. I sensed he could be having Rhabdo. So I decided to send him out with the help of our Transportation Deputy.

When he got back from being treated in ER, most of written notes were about his heart. Nothing was addressed regarding the symptoms I suspected. He probably demanded for his heart to be examined more that all the doctor's orders were about having cardiac echo and that he had a history of Congestive Heart Failure. Yet, all the exams they did were marked normal, including his urine dipstick.

"How could that be?" I asked the Charge Nurse.

"Either there was something wrong with my eyes because I saw the result or there was something wrong with our test strips." She didn't know what to say.

As I talked to the inmate prior to sending him back to his unit, he thanked me and that he said he felt much better. I reassured him but couldn't help and asked him if they said anything regarding the "burpees" he did. He didn't say anything but..."Oh yeah, the nurse there did tell me that I had a little bit of blood in my urine but it should be okay."

I already knew. He didn't say anything about those exercises he did and kept on insisting regarding his heart condition though nothing was previously found at a well-known hospital.

As I kept writing about all my observations and the inmate's statement in his chart, I noticed how the ER doctor had noted that he was diaphoretic (sweating profusely) when he wasn't as I examined him. It dawned on me that he went to the restroom twice and kept wetting his hair. I warned the other nurses because of the possibility of him always coming down for complaints of chest pains. I left a note inside the chart to observe him if he would do that behavior again to make it look like he was in distress.

Just like that inmate, we all make demands in our prayers to God. We want things to happen our way without understanding first that He has the best reasons even when we don't understand why things happen in our lives. We often think about ourselves and always forget to think about what God wants from us. What we want seems to be complicated at times. What God wants from us is one and plain simple:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30 NIV)

It is only by putting Him first in our hearts that our lives will be in order.

 "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."
- Matthew 6:33 (NLT)