I was there in that dark and lonely, small room, contemplating to end my life. The year was sometime in 1990. Being away from my family for 4 years at that time, with nowhere to go to, trapped in a nightmare that I never expected, my tears were flowing endlessly. I was pleading for some divine intervention, that at that time, I wasn’t sure if there was. Until He made it known that He was true. That He heard me. As I wept and told Him my problems, I asked for forgiveness and wanted Him to direct my life.
Weeks later, He gave me a way out with the ordeal I was facing.
I didn’t want to tell my loving parents back home, because I didn’t want them to worry about me. Nor did I want for their relationship with my uncle soured. My uncle [my mother’s first cousin] helped me to come here through adoption. He said only to help me out so I could take Nursing here. The kindness he showed when he was in our country was not the same when I got here. He loved me more than his own children. But along with that, came a character that was difficult for me to understand. He didn’t want to let me go. He didn’t want me to open bank accounts. He didn’t want me to open any credit accounts.
I was confused. Yet, he wanted me to call him “dad” and my aunt “mom”. I was grateful for the treatment he gave me as if I was his own kid. I worked so hard. I woke up early to help clean the house. I studied hard. I worked part time so I didn’t need to ask for money as much as possible. My own biological father and some of my own siblings were sending me financial support at times. But he was upset about that.
I found solace when I was at work, the opposite, when I should be tired and should long to be home, resting on bed. But I would rather stay at work. Every time I would be near his house as I went home, it felt like my heart was being pricked with so many, many thorns.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted my own place. I wanted out. And it was that night that I surrendered to Someone I had ignored for so long…
Tonight, as I was praising the Lord with the songs He put into my heart, I saw this song I had composed back in September 20, 2005. At that time, looking back at what transpired after that night, I now know, that the Lord did give me a way out! He took me out of that trap and “freed” me…I didn’t deserve that. But that is His nature: unconditional love, endless forgiveness. Here is the song I wanted to share with you. To God be the glory!
Why Me?
I bent my knees at the stillness of the night
Cried out my heart with tears from my eyes
I’m all alone in Your presence
I felt the warmth of Your love
Chorus:
[spoken: I had to ask/A sinner like me]…Why me, Lord, why me?
I turned my back on You but You still accepted me
Why me, Lord, why me?
Your love and grace came pouring down…..on me…
And right there I died but I’d be proud to say
Christ….now lives in me
I’m never alone for You’re always in my heart
Your faithful love carries me…
[Repeat Chorus]
Why me?
