I'm Sorry

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless - - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” – C.S. Lewis

She was one of those who hurt and broke my heart from the past…It took me many years before I had forgiven her. Not because I wanted to. But because God compelled me to. That was the right thing to do as He willingly forgives. Not just once. Many times.

I found out she had said many lies behind my back. I welcomed her but she rejected me. My ways seemed not enough to please her. I felt I wasn’t good enough. No matter how hard I tried for her to love me and accept me. Until the pressure our strained relationship had started building up and was about to explode. I confronted her. She didn’t know what to say. She was surprised I knew about the things she used to break my heart. With lack of words to reason out, she shed big tears and said, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”  As she attempted to wrap her arms around me.

Like a dam that broke and the water was released, a flood of anger broke through the walls erected in my heart as each season passed that I was with her in order to protect myself from the pain she caused…But with honesty, I told her I forgave her except…I was not willing to be hugged at that moment because deep inside, I sensed something. It was easier for her to say those words, “I’m sorry…” Only time would tell if she meant it. Years had gone by and this person had been miles away from me…I showed her that my trust then broken would never be the same. My heart. The reservoir for love was broken would still try to love her. Not because of her. Not because of me. It was because God wanted us to love others as well after Him. It wasn’t easy to follow what He wanted. To love even our enemies.

True enough, her words were empty. Her actions never matched what she uttered to me that day. It saddened me that she would choose to not change and be her old self. She allowed dividing walls in between us instead of a bridge. She succumbed to her refuge, a place of isolation.

How many times I did that to God? Easy for me to say “I’m sorry” then I find myself doing the very same things that I said “I was sorry for.” Except…He’s always willing to accept and forgive me. But He desires only one thing…To offer Him true repentance. What good would it do for me to utter those words and my inward thoughts and the condition of my heart do not match with “I’m sorry?” That would be simply a hypocrite thing to do…Oh, that I pray for my heart to always be quick to be torn when it stores things that God despises. True repentance from a broken heart also tears the heaven's door so love, grace and mercy can be poured out into those broken pieces in order for it to be healed...Yet it also seals Satan's door...

“Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.” – Joel 2:13 (NIV)

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

- Psalm 51:17 (NLT)
“Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God, for your sins have brought you down.” – Hosea 14:1 (NLT)

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.” – Hosea 10:12 (NIV)

“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.”
- 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NLT)
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The Attacker (5/15/09)

The sun was just peeking from the Eastern skies. Ephesians 6:12 [37 kb]

Out in the prison’s yard, some huge Sheriff’s buses were illuminated by the soft glow coming from the lights all over from the tall lamp posts. Their engines were turned on, warming up, before the buses would take the inmates to the different courts where they would have their trials.

Orange-uniformed men were lined up in pairs, joined together with handcuffs and chained, forming a long line. They already had their breakfast and had their morning medications prior to going to courts. Some were fidgeting, as they waited to board those buses.

All of a sudden, all hell broke loose! Two men were engaged in a fight, using weapons they made secretly for a while. Deputies called for help on the radio, both for custody back-up and medical staff, as well.

When the air was cleared and the other inmates were secured, one man was down on the floor. He sustained multiple gashes but two of them were deep. One cut was vertically etched from his left ear going down to the jaw line. The other dangerous cut was horizontal on his left neck, close to the jugular vein. Pool of blood dripped all over the floor. Holding his bleeding neck, he was pointing at the other inmate few feet away, being guarded by the other deputies.

The other man being accused was not hurt. There were no lacerations nor any other signs of trauma. He was obviously very agitated as he was being questioned by those deputies, while the medical staff started treating the other man on the floor. They cleaned the wounds and controlled the bleeding. That man was sent to the nearby hospital.

When the investigation was finalized, it turned out to be that the “downed man who was accusing the other inmate” was the attacker and the other one who didn’t have injury was the one attacked. The deputies found out that it was the second attempt to attack the unhurt man. Both attacks on him failed. He was well-prepared after the first attempt on him, that when the second attempt was done, he was able to defend himself and ended up injuring his attacker severely.

[Source: NLT Bible ]:

We also have an “accuser of the brethren.” Satan and his army of demons are the enemies of God and of everything good.

“Because God’s children are human beings – made of flesh and blood – Jesus also became flesh and blood by being born in human form. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the Devil, who had the power of death.” –Hebrews 2:14

Because of what Jesus had done [dying on the cross], we, who live in constant fear of death shouldn’t be afraid anymore. Jesus had freed us from that fear so we can live for Him. When we belong to God, we know that death is only the portal that leads into “eternal life”. [“Thank You Lord!].

Paul warned us, too that we also battle against the evil forces of Satan, who is a vicious fighter. But to be able to withstand their attacks, we must depend on God’s strength and use every piece of His armor. We face an army whose goal is to defeat Christ’s church. When we believe in Christ, they become our enemies. They will try any device to turn us away from the Lord.

Fear not! For God has provided His supernatural power to defeat Satan and his army, through His Holy Spirit within us. So, arm yourselves with God’s armor.

Let us be strong in the Lord's mighty power. Let's put on His whole armor to resist the enemy's attacks: put on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that we are well-prepared. We will need faith in every battle as our shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed by Satan and his army. Let us put on salvation as our helmet, not forgetting the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. Let's pray at all times, on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. We must stay alert and be persistent in our prayers for all Christians everywhere. [Ephesians 6:10-18].