I'm Sorry

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless - - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” – C.S. Lewis


She was one of those who hurt and broke my heart from the past…It took me many years before I had forgiven her. Not because I wanted to. But because God compelled me to. That was the right thing to do as He willingly forgives. Not just once. Many times.

I found out she had said many lies behind my back. I welcomed her but she rejected me. My ways seemed not enough to please her. I felt I wasn’t good enough. No matter how hard I tried for her to love me and accept me. Until the pressure our strained relationship had started building up and was about to explode. I confronted her. She didn’t know what to say. She was surprised I knew about the things she used to break my heart. With lack of words to reason out, she shed big tears and said, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”  As she attempted to wrap her arms around me.

Like a dam that broke and the water was released, a flood of anger broke through the walls erected in my heart as each season passed that I was with her in order to protect myself from the pain she caused…But with honesty, I told her I forgave her except…I was not willing to be hugged at that moment because deep inside, I sensed something. It was easier for her to say those words, “I’m sorry…” Only time would tell if she meant it. Years had gone by and this person had been miles away from me…I showed her that my trust then broken would never be the same. My heart. The reservoir for love was broken would still try to love her. Not because of her. Not because of me. It was because God wanted us to love others as well after Him. It wasn’t easy to follow what He wanted. To love even our enemies.

True enough, her words were empty. Her actions never matched what she uttered to me that day. It saddened me that she would choose to not change and be her old self. She allowed dividing walls in between us instead of a bridge. She succumbed to her refuge, a place of isolation.

How many times I did that to God? Easy for me to say “I’m sorry” then I find myself doing the very same things that I said “I was sorry for.” Except…He’s always willing to accept and forgive me. But He desires only one thing…To offer Him true repentance. What good would it do for me to utter those words and my inward thoughts and the condition of my heart do not match with “I’m sorry?” That would be simply a hypocrite thing to do…Oh, that I pray for my heart to always be quick to be torn when it stores things that God despises. True repentance from a broken heart also tears the heaven's door so love, grace and mercy can be poured out into those broken pieces in order for it to be healed...Yet it also seals Satan's door...

“Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.” – Joel 2:13 (NIV)

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

- Psalm 51:17 (NLT)
“Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God, for your sins have brought you down.” – Hosea 14:1 (NLT)


“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 (NIV)


“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.” – Hosea 10:12 (NIV)


“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.”
- 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NLT)

14 comments:

  1. Rosel, yeah when you change the "roles" around and have God in place of someone who stabbed you in the back, oh gosh it is hard and convicting. Great post dear one.

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    1. Praying it will encourage many because of Him. Thank you...

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  3. Wonderful post, love the new header on your blog.

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  4. Doesn't it break your heart when cold hearts won't repent? And the relationship can't mend like it is suppose to? Glad you wrote about this. I use to bend myself in a pretzel shape to overcompensate, but you can't make anybody want to love. Have a great weekend, Rosel.

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    1. It saddens me how each day is wasted sister Mary...knowing what could have been if the other person doesn't hold their love for others. Like her with me...It's on His hands...

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  5. Rosel, it was good that you did not allow yourself to be given an insincere hug. It is a strong message to the enemy of our souls that we discern what he is doing. I have learned that we should not just let anybody hug us or lay hands on us... for that is one way that defilement from the land if the enemy sometimes gets transferred to us.

    Maybe others will not agree, but this is a strong warning to us. To know our boundaries, and keep the schemes of the enemy from reaching us, if we are aware.

    May God continue to strengthen you in this season. He will comfort you where others have not been true to you.

    Love
    Lidia

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    1. Hi sister Lidia. I had learned so much when the Lord allowed my heart to witness an unseen spiritual battle. That was His preparation to strengthen me back in 2003...To Him be the glory!

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  6. Thanks for sharing this story with us, it has touched me, 'sharpening' me dear sis..I also want to thank you for joining me in prayers this Fearless Friday. You are such a blessing to me and a source of encouragement.

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    1. No need to thank me. It is a privilege to be able to do so. Quite humbling that your ministry of FF's remind me to always depend on Him. Blessings to you sister.

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  7. My heart aches for you. My prayers are being lifted up now.
    As always my dear friend ... many blessings.
    Bren

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    1. Times that I have a lot of time to ponder on things in my journey, it saddens me when others would never care at all even if we have the best interest for them on our part. Thank you sister for your prayer and it's good to hear from you. God bless and protect you and your hubby especially in his line of work.

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