I'm Sorry

Photo Credit

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless - - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” – C.S. Lewis

She was one of those who hurt and broke my heart from the past…It took me many years before I had forgiven her. Not because I wanted to. But because God compelled me to. That was the right thing to do as He willingly forgives. Not just once. Many times.

I found out she had said many lies behind my back. I welcomed her but she rejected me. My ways seemed not enough to please her. I felt I wasn’t good enough. No matter how hard I tried for her to love me and accept me. Until the pressure our strained relationship had started building up and was about to explode. I confronted her. She didn’t know what to say. She was surprised I knew about the things she used to break my heart. With lack of words to reason out, she shed big tears and said, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”  As she attempted to wrap her arms around me.

Like a dam that broke and the water was released, a flood of anger broke through the walls erected in my heart as each season passed that I was with her in order to protect myself from the pain she caused…But with honesty, I told her I forgave her except…I was not willing to be hugged at that moment because deep inside, I sensed something. It was easier for her to say those words, “I’m sorry…” Only time would tell if she meant it. Years had gone by and this person had been miles away from me…I showed her that my trust then broken would never be the same. My heart. The reservoir for love was broken would still try to love her. Not because of her. Not because of me. It was because God wanted us to love others as well after Him. It wasn’t easy to follow what He wanted. To love even our enemies.

True enough, her words were empty. Her actions never matched what she uttered to me that day. It saddened me that she would choose to not change and be her old self. She allowed dividing walls in between us instead of a bridge. She succumbed to her refuge, a place of isolation.

How many times I did that to God? Easy for me to say “I’m sorry” then I find myself doing the very same things that I said “I was sorry for.” Except…He’s always willing to accept and forgive me. But He desires only one thing…To offer Him true repentance. What good would it do for me to utter those words and my inward thoughts and the condition of my heart do not match with “I’m sorry?” That would be simply a hypocrite thing to do…Oh, that I pray for my heart to always be quick to be torn when it stores things that God despises. True repentance from a broken heart also tears the heaven's door so love, grace and mercy can be poured out into those broken pieces in order for it to be healed...Yet it also seals Satan's door...

“Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.” – Joel 2:13 (NIV)

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

- Psalm 51:17 (NLT)

“Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God, for your sins have brought you down.” – Hosea 14:1 (NLT)

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.” – Hosea 10:12 (NIV)

“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.”

- 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NLT)