I found this “reflection”
I wrote about my mother on June 1, 2002. She passed away on December 2000. I’m
only sharing parts of it:
I can’t understand why
all of a sudden, a gnawing feeling of depression is eating my heart. My mother
has passed away 2 years ago. Going on 3. When she passed away, I felt some
strength at that time despite her unexpected demise. It was one of the
weaknesses and hard blows that came to her loved ones, especially me. That
strength emanated from the faith she instilled in me. The same faith that
guided me whenever I successfully faced my own trials. Faith that I always cling
to even if my life turns upside down or helps me dangle at the end of the rope.
I have to remember this faith in God because I don’t want to fall into an abyss
of despair. I always believe that we create our own triumphs and losses
depending on what we choose to walk on in this life’s journey that we all take.
I try not to be a pessimist, no matter how strong the urge can be whenever I
remember my mother with so much longing. I’m keeping that faith because my
mother taught me that during my growing-up years.
There are days when I
feel like a child day dreaming…Pretending and making wishes for a world that
will bring my mother back to me. In that world, I can be a magician with a wand
and with a loud “Open Sesame!”…”Poof!!!” Then…there is my mother!!! In front of
me…
But…her image is like
a mirage in a vast desert. It fades like a haze in the breaking of dawn when
the sun spreads its rays. I see her in my dream that disappears as I open my
eyes and wake up to reality.
But having her back is a difficult wish to come true! We all live a short life in this place. Maybe our deaths are not the ending but the beginning of greater tasks ahead. We have a lot of lessons to learn while we are here…Like loving unconditionally and being strong during the times of storms in our lives. In order for us to make it to the other side…
Every time I sit down
and ponder on many warm memories that my mother shared with us, I can’t help
but let the tears flow. But whenever I feel that the pain is searing in my
heart and feel that eternal void, a feeling of enlightenment sweeps over me
instead. It feels like a warm shawl that burns away the chilly nights. It feels
like the warm sun that fights its way out through those thick clouds. It feels
like the warm, soft lunar glow on those dark skies at nights. It feels like my
mother’s hugs whenever I want that kind of soothing comfort that only comes
from her. A food to my hungry soul.
Just now, I came to realize that I shouldn’t subject myself to being lonely and depressed. I should stop asking for things that needed to end- her life’s cycle that was completed. God gave us our lives and He has the right to take them back.
That’s where the magic
lies…We need to discover the purposes of our lives. That is the miracle! To
find the true Source of strength and go out and make a difference in this
world. This is the kind of wish that can come true! A magic that doesn’t need a
prop or a wand…A miracle that starts when we let go of our own selfishness. I’m
sure your mother like mine, if she is not here anymore, had passed on their
love to us. That’s why we cry so much and feel such tremendous losses. Because
they knew how to love and cared for us.And towards others...
I’m asking God to give
me more days before I go Home myself. In the meantime, I can reminisce those
loving memories of my mother without the bitterness I once nursed. I should
celebrate her passing with joys and happiness because she truly shared her
wonderful love and I am proud of that miracle she gave to us, her family.
In the meantime, I see
many miracles I try not to take for granted. The acts of kindness from people
who surround me, be it family or friends. A warm hello from a stranger in the
streets…At work, whenever an inmate sincerely utter their “thanks” and shows
the appreciation from compassion shown…My son’s hugs and kisses and “I love you’s”,
not only to me but when he blows those kisses up in the air to send them to God
and to his “lola” (grandmother)…My husband’s understanding and great love that
parallels mine…I know…
There is no reason to
be sad. Because God is always there to watch us perform our own miracles and
that His blessings are always bountiful!
Today is Mother’s Day
and I remember my mother with happiness and gladness knowing she is in a better
place…I remember, lots of people from back home often would tell me how much I
looked like my mother. The resemblance.. so much! I was thrilled…Every time…Deep
inside, I also hope that my love will always reflect that of the Savior’s…He is
the Source of my joy!
Happy Mother’s Day to
all of you, mothers out there!!! God bless…
