Sadness No More...(When I Think About My Mother)

I found this “reflection” I wrote about my mother on June 1, 2002. She passed away on December 2000. I’m only sharing parts of it:

I can’t understand why all of a sudden, a gnawing feeling of depression is eating my heart. My mother has passed away 2 years ago. Going on 3. When she passed away, I felt some strength at that time despite her unexpected demise. It was one of the weaknesses and hard blows that came to her loved ones, especially me. That strength emanated from the faith she instilled in me. The same faith that guided me whenever I successfully faced my own trials. Faith that I always cling to even if my life turns upside down or helps me dangle at the end of the rope. I have to remember this faith in God because I don’t want to fall into an abyss of despair. I always believe that we create our own triumphs and losses depending on what we choose to walk on in this life’s journey that we all take. I try not to be a pessimist, no matter how strong the urge can be whenever I remember my mother with so much longing. I’m keeping that faith because my mother taught me that during my growing-up years.

There are days when I feel like a child day dreaming…Pretending and making wishes for a world that will bring my mother back to me. In that world, I can be a magician with a wand and with a loud “Open Sesame!”…”Poof!!!” Then…there is my mother!!! In front of me…

But…her image is like a mirage in a vast desert. It fades like a haze in the breaking of dawn when the sun spreads its rays. I see her in my dream that disappears as I open my eyes and wake up to reality.

But having her back is a difficult wish to come true! We all live a short life in this place. Maybe our deaths are not the ending but the beginning of greater tasks ahead. We have a lot of lessons to learn while we are here…Like loving unconditionally and being strong during the times of storms in our lives. In order for us to make it to the other side…

Every time I sit down and ponder on many warm memories that my mother shared with us, I can’t help but let the tears flow. But whenever I feel that the pain is searing in my heart and feel that eternal void, a feeling of enlightenment sweeps over me instead. It feels like a warm shawl that burns away the chilly nights. It feels like the warm sun that fights its way out through those thick clouds. It feels like the warm, soft lunar glow on those dark skies at nights. It feels like my mother’s hugs whenever I want that kind of soothing comfort that only comes from her. A food to my hungry soul.

Just now, I came to realize that I shouldn’t subject myself to being lonely and depressed. I should stop asking for things that needed to end- her life’s cycle that was completed. God gave us our lives and He has the right to take them back. 

That’s where the magic lies…We need to discover the purposes of our lives. That is the miracle! To find the true Source of strength and go out and make a difference in this world. This is the kind of wish that can come true! A magic that doesn’t need a prop or a wand…A miracle that starts when we let go of our own selfishness. I’m sure your mother like mine, if she is not here anymore, had passed on their love to us. That’s why we cry so much and feel such tremendous losses. Because they knew how to love and cared for us.And towards others...

I’m asking God to give me more days before I go Home myself. In the meantime, I can reminisce those loving memories of my mother without the bitterness I once nursed. I should celebrate her passing with joys and happiness because she truly shared her wonderful love and I am proud of that miracle she gave to us, her family.

In the meantime, I see many miracles I try not to take for granted. The acts of kindness from people who surround me, be it family or friends. A warm hello from a stranger in the streets…At work, whenever an inmate sincerely utter their “thanks” and shows the appreciation from compassion shown…My son’s hugs and kisses and “I love you’s”, not only to me but when he blows those kisses up in the air to send them to God and to his “lola” (grandmother)…My husband’s understanding and great love that parallels mine…I know…

There is no reason to be sad. Because God is always there to watch us perform our own miracles and that His blessings are always bountiful!

Today is Mother’s Day and I remember my mother with happiness and gladness knowing she is in a better place…I remember, lots of people from back home often would tell me how much I looked like my mother. The resemblance.. so much! I was thrilled…Every time…Deep inside, I also hope that my love will always reflect that of the Savior’s…He is the Source of my joy!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you, mothers out there!!! God bless…

All posts/composed songs copyright by RCUBEs.


The Attacker (5/15/09)

The sun was just peeking from the Eastern skies. Ephesians 6:12 [37 kb]

Out in the prison’s yard, some huge Sheriff’s buses were illuminated by the soft glow coming from the lights all over from the tall lamp posts. Their engines were turned on, warming up, before the buses would take the inmates to the different courts where they would have their trials.

Orange-uniformed men were lined up in pairs, joined together with handcuffs and chained, forming a long line. They already had their breakfast and had their morning medications prior to going to courts. Some were fidgeting, as they waited to board those buses.

All of a sudden, all hell broke loose! Two men were engaged in a fight, using weapons they made secretly for a while. Deputies called for help on the radio, both for custody back-up and medical staff, as well.

When the air was cleared and the other inmates were secured, one man was down on the floor. He sustained multiple gashes but two of them were deep. One cut was vertically etched from his left ear going down to the jaw line. The other dangerous cut was horizontal on his left neck, close to the jugular vein. Pool of blood dripped all over the floor. Holding his bleeding neck, he was pointing at the other inmate few feet away, being guarded by the other deputies.

The other man being accused was not hurt. There were no lacerations nor any other signs of trauma. He was obviously very agitated as he was being questioned by those deputies, while the medical staff started treating the other man on the floor. They cleaned the wounds and controlled the bleeding. That man was sent to the nearby hospital.

When the investigation was finalized, it turned out to be that the “downed man who was accusing the other inmate” was the attacker and the other one who didn’t have injury was the one attacked. The deputies found out that it was the second attempt to attack the unhurt man. Both attacks on him failed. He was well-prepared after the first attempt on him, that when the second attempt was done, he was able to defend himself and ended up injuring his attacker severely.

[Source: NLT Bible ]:

We also have an “accuser of the brethren.” Satan and his army of demons are the enemies of God and of everything good.

“Because God’s children are human beings – made of flesh and blood – Jesus also became flesh and blood by being born in human form. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the Devil, who had the power of death.” –Hebrews 2:14

Because of what Jesus had done [dying on the cross], we, who live in constant fear of death shouldn’t be afraid anymore. Jesus had freed us from that fear so we can live for Him. When we belong to God, we know that death is only the portal that leads into “eternal life”. [“Thank You Lord!].

Paul warned us, too that we also battle against the evil forces of Satan, who is a vicious fighter. But to be able to withstand their attacks, we must depend on God’s strength and use every piece of His armor. We face an army whose goal is to defeat Christ’s church. When we believe in Christ, they become our enemies. They will try any device to turn us away from the Lord.

Fear not! For God has provided His supernatural power to defeat Satan and his army, through His Holy Spirit within us. So, arm yourselves with God’s armor.

Let us be strong in the Lord's mighty power. Let's put on His whole armor to resist the enemy's attacks: put on the sturdy belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News, so that we are well-prepared. We will need faith in every battle as our shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed by Satan and his army. Let us put on salvation as our helmet, not forgetting the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. Let's pray at all times, on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. We must stay alert and be persistent in our prayers for all Christians everywhere. [Ephesians 6:10-18].