I Choose To Hope

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." ~ Psalm 43:5

“Nurse! Just send me back to my unit if you guys are not going to do anything! I will just file a grievance,” an irate female inmate yelled through the glass window.

She had been waiting in the Infirmary for hours before I got there that night. Yet, she was just seen by the jail doctor the previous day and earlier that day and many other times. She always complained of her heart hurting. That she needed to go to the hospital because of her heart condition. So upset that she was not seen by the cardiologist.

“Ma’am,” I approached the window as the charge nurse felt exhausted dealing with her. “I also had spoken with you earlier. I told you that the reason why they kept you so long here was because you kept complaining of chest pain. We did the EKG. It was normal. I called you in and took your vital signs and I showed you, that everything was normal. I just need you to understand that we can’t do anything at this point because there was no abnormal findings even when the doctor had seen you earlier. It doesn’t mean we don’t believe you. We are aware of your congenital heart problem. But you need to understand that it is a process when we refer you to the cardiologist. There is nothing life threatening that is happening right now with you and you had this condition since you were little.”

She didn’t know what to say. With those thousands of words that came out from me, I was feeling exhausted, too. And I only had dealt with her for an hour.

“You don’t understand. I need to go to the hospital! I need a cardiologist now!” she demanded.

“I would not keep repeating my explanations. We do understand that it is frustrating on your part. But you need to be patient. When a specific date and time comes back to us from the Cardiology department, they will just get you from your unit and bring you to the hospital,” I added.

She reached out her right hand below the glass partition window. I handed her yellow pass so she could go back to her unit. Shaking her head softly, feeling as if she had no more power to demand all she had wanted done her way, she surrendered. Her steps slowly retraced her prints she left earlier when she first walked in. Back to her cell.

“Lord! Lord! Why are our prayers not answered?” How often I demand God to explain things to me, too and when things don’t go the way I want it to go in my life. When my prayers seem unanswered as I see others and I struggling for physical healing, for provision of needs, for freedom from being imprisoned with many, many bondages. “Why God when You have the power to do so?” When He is truly bigger than any of these things! Often I see myself in complete surrender. That’s what needs to happen most of the time. To give me time to reflect on His true nature. That He is a God of love. That despite the circumstances around me, He is the One Who has the control not me. That I still must choose to have joy in my heart despite the trials and heartaches. That I must still choose to have hope despite things looking bleak at times. Because these awful times are what drive me to surrender to Him. And in those quiet times, in those quiet places, that’s where He usually meets me and softly explains to my heart the plans in my life. That it is a process. Not my way. But His. That there is Someone Who always intercedes for me. And I know, my prayers are being heard. Mine and yours. Yes, I must choose to hope Lord. I choose to still hope…Knowing Christ did die for me. Knowing Your plans give me hope and a future.

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." ~ Titus 2:11-14