The Car Of Life

Amidst the misty atmosphere this morning, my husband and I, side by side, walked out into the driveway to wave goodbye to our son who was leaving on his first day of school. He wove and did a “familiar gesture” that only this family could understand and was meant as a joke. He froze his left hand by the driver’s window forming a shape that resembled a “talking mouth.”

“Talk to the hand!” we’d say whenever we heard things that were nonsense.

But this morning, my son did that to make me smile. And his dad. Knowing it was the very first time that he was going to school sans the “mom as the usual driver.” Not today. He was stepping into a new adventure where the car would depend on someone’s decision. His. Alone. He knew we had mixed emotions as I sipped my early morning coffee. My face was showing off a big smile but my heart was tinged with a little sadness yet was also filled with joy. Joyful for a new milestone his steps had to take. Joyful for a new road he needed to take.

“We must learn to let go…” I whispered to my husband, who was so excited to see his son drove off in the usual pace he mastered before getting his license.

A pang of pain pinched my heart again. Letting go seemed to be difficult because it was coming from being protective of your own flesh and blood, knowing how cruel and evil this place could be. As parents, it was a natural instinct to guard the children from any harm. But doing so would be inevitable.

Someone has to fall first before he can get up. A rose with red petals shows off its beauty but along with it come the thorns. A heart learns to mend only after it is broken. 

The car was long gone. The fume still lingered. My heart's ache also vanished as I let go of my son.

To His hands Who would direct his car of life.

“Proverbs 3:5?” I quizzed my son after breakfast and before we all prayed together…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding!” he quickly replied.

“Verse 6?”

“In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

I heard my cell phone had an incoming text message...

“I’m here now. Luvu…”

“Luvu too…” I slowly typed and sent the message.

My heart by then was completely in peace, surrendered to the One Who could see my son and protect him in all his ways. Here I was teaching my child about Him, but in the process, I was the one who was learning to trust more and depend more on Him Who also had let me go in my own ways before… Yet readily welcomed me upon my return into His loving arms. No questions asked...

My Heart's Deeper Wounds

“God never uses a person greatly until He has wounded him deeply.The privilege He offers you is greater than the price you have to pay.  The privilege is greater than the price.”
~ Helen Roosevere, April 13, 1993

I searched for more areas in my heart that bled. This process had been becoming more common since being involved in a huge battle at work, with some people desiring to cease my career as a Correctional Nurse using the power they were in. Lies upon lies were poured out in front of me, accusing me of my own inability when it never prevented me from performing my tasks for so many years.

I found one…I quickly opened the Kit (Bible) and tried to find the best suiting remedy to soothe the searing pain I felt upon seeing that cut. And how I was impatient! Carefully, I read the Instruction in a rush and then, I slowed down and let every letter coat that pain.

“Can any of the worthless foreign gods send us rain? Does it fall from the sky by itself? No, you are the one, O LORD our God! Only you can do such things. So we will wait for you to help us.”

– Jeremiah 14:22 (NLT)

And how my heart struggled to not be soaked in this right dose, begging for His answer to come quick!

As my heart was still trying to avoid that needed dose for its wound to be exposed then be healed, another part showed up: “anger”… I was not worried at all with whatever outcome this battle would produce. I was becoming more upset with the unfair treatments, the bias, the discriminating actions or words I heard over and over, not only for me, but for those who had left long time ago…

“Nurse G. might quit…She applied for another facility and she is going to move there,” one co-worker called me and informed me the other day.

Nurse G. and I had shared so many frustrations when I was still going to work and she found out about the mistreatments I had been receiving from the same people who plagued her with same dilemma.

“That’s sad. I am sad because she said she was going to fight but I understand, too. It is quite tiring and it is a long process. It seems it’s easier to just quit,” I replied.

“Ouch! What was that?” I looked and saw that part of my heart pulsing with more “anger.” The opened Kit in plain sight directed my vision to what cure it needed.

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.”

– Proverbs 14:29 (NLT)

I was barely done reading that verse and another one showed up, as if an invisible Finger kept pointing at another remedy for me to choose:

“¹⁹ Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ²⁰ Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ²¹ So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.” – James 1:19-21 (NLT)

“Aww..." a soft cry emanated from deep within me, realizing the truth that exposed more of my heart's core...

I closed the Kit not in protest but I knew I had enough treatment for the day of my heart’s deeper wounds. The pain that I thought came from those evil intentions from work was not true. The pain came from His truth…His Word! It is taking away the areas in my heart that needed to be removed. No wonder it hurts! And I must let it shape my life and the only way to do that is to allow His Word to reveal who I am and what I’m not. 

“For the Word of God is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are.” – Hebrews 4:12 (NLT)

Authority

“…for I have passed on to them the words You gave Me; and they accepted them and know that I came from You, and they believe You sent Me…” – John 17:8 (NLT)

In my email to one supervisor, I demanded to know why my claim for 8 hours from my holiday account was not approved and not paid. The rest of the hours were without pay as they had put me on a forced leave.

“I’m sorry…It was a mistake on our part…”

I read again and let it sank in. I could not believe that excuse. I knew it was intentional as their intimidation has not ceased at all. A part of a choreographed performance to make me miss my step and cause me to fall except I had discerned their steps way even before they performed some of them.

I carefully pulled the badge I was given 11 years ago and I stared at this golden emblem behind the rays of light penetrating the window covering. I pondered at the thought of how this perceived “authority” could change someone a great deal if not careful. The problem was not having this piece of shining metal with the word “Sheriff’s” embossed with a nice blue color and some also golden.

The problem was having empty minds, they let pride crept in and filled them like a dry well in desperate need of water. They also let evil intentions that arose from sinful nature to fill their empty hearts. I knew it too well as I lived that life before I came to the realization that nothing in this world can ever satisfy the needs of our hearts or minds except God’s love.

“Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws and it never will. That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.” – Romans 8:5-8 (NLT)

“It’s only a badge…” I thought to myself.

“The authority it gives someone from work or myself can be taken away at any point. It just doesn’t last…”

glancing at my badge...

“Lord, I know where I stand. I know my true self-worth because of You.” I prayed as I felt some warm tears on my cheeks. Tears from mixed emotions. Tears of gratitude and tears of being tired of these people’s evil intentions. Though I was never afraid.

Holding my Bible close to my heart, I softly talked with Him in the stillness of the night, as my husband and son had been both asleep for a while.  

It’s during quiet time like this, when I am chasing good-quality sleep and peaceful rest that I know the truth that an infinite, powerful Authority up above backs me up and strengthens me. The world declares I’m a loser. He says otherwise: “You’re a winner!” My Authority? His Name is Jesus…

 ^"12 After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? ¹³ You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. ¹⁴ And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. ¹⁵ I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. ¹⁶ I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them." - John13:12-17 (NLT)

His authority did not tell me to sit up high on a pedestal and enjoy that kind of power. His authority tells me to put myself in the least position. He tells me to serve. He wants me to not promote myself but instead, has given me His authority to imitate Him in all ways. Knowing that His kind of authority is everlasting, I must choose to obey.

The Grasp

"Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand." - Psalm 20:6 (NIV)

I couldn’t sleep last night. It was just like some other nights since I had this battle at work. The intimidation has not stopped. All of the people in power’s efforts were so evident trying to force me to resign on my own. There were times I wanted to quit. There were times I wanted everything to end by turning over my badge and electronic key from work. A quick way to drop this matter. But I never did. That would be a defeat when I had not done anything wrong.

The monitor shone its light on my insomnious face with my eyes just glued on the picture right below my posts. I had been staring at Peter who by faith asked Jesus if he could also walk on the water to approach Jesus who he and the other disciples saw walking despite the winds getting stronger and the waves becoming heavier, as their boat was crossing the lake. (Matthew 14:22-33)

“Why did you doubt, you of little faith?” Jesus asked that to Peter as he reached out his hand and grabbed him…

As I thought about my situation, I asked myself.

“Did I ever at one point doubt You Lord?”

(I know I never did…).

“Did I take my eyes of You Lord?”

(I know it had been fixed at the only Source of strength, courage, wisdom and discernment as the battle started heating up knowing how very limited and inadequate I was against my opponents)…

I know that I may never walk in water like Peter but I surely am aware that I am also walking through a tough situation. I know difficult circumstances surround me but never I once doubted that He is going through this with me. My problem?

Patience…I want all of my evidences thrown back at them. I want to end all of their accusations and stop them with the truth. I want to show them how wrong they are and that they are breaking the law. Like…Right now!!!

But that’s not what He wants. He is telling me to “wait…”

“Wait some more…”He always tells me whenever I ask Him, “When? I waited already…”

“Then, keep waiting and trusting in Me…”

Waiting is tough. But through this period, God is teaching me to trust even more in His perfect timing. He is drawing me nearer. His timetable is different from what I know. I’m thankful His ways are higher than mine.

I focused on Peter’s hand holding tight to Jesus’ grasp…He shouted, “Save me Lord!” as he started sinking. The Bible says Jesus “instantly,” “immediately,” “at once” or “straight away” reached out His hand and grabbed Peter. That is the truth that penetrated my heart. As a believer, being in a battle comes as no surprise. To know that He is the “ever present help” in times of danger, should replace any growing doubt or lessening faith…Because it’s only by belief that we come to God.

“And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.” –Hebrews 11:6 (NLT)

“Ho…hum”... I yawned almost breaking my jaw. Sleep that eluded me finally came as my heart rested in His faithful promises. I glanced at the time illuminated by the tiny, soft glow of amber light and could not believe it was almost morning...Just like the dark nights, sleepless nights, another bright day would come...Each day that He has made...

I looked once more on the picture. It was not Peter’s grasp that saved him. It was Jesus’ tight grasp. Same hold He has on me. And you who believe! Storms would come and go. No matter what...He is always faithful to reach out His hand to save those who call on Him. And believe...

Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him (Peter)...

Matthew 14:31