Off The Beaten Trek

Grace

I wanted to get upset…As this female inmate gasped for breath in front of me. Complaining of “difficulty breathing and almost like a chest pain”, she described. She wouldn’t stop talking about how she didn’t deserve to be imprisoned. My advices to help her calm down were just going out her other ear.

“Okay…Stop talking! Take a deep breath!”

“My husband…and his mistress…” she paused as she labored to bring in some puffs of air into her lungs.

“Stop! I said! Just try to relax, Ma’am…”

She tried…But I could sense the heaviness of her heart…Of her heart that didn’t want to cease from contemplating how much she never deserved to be behind the bars. Her other worries that only herself knew of what transpired from the past and what perhaps were coming ahead.

I was only helping the other nurse who initially treated her. The nurse didn’t want to give an inhaler when this inmate thought that it might help her. She had clear lung sounds. But deep inside, there was no inhaler that could ever help with the labored breathing provoked by an anxiety attack.

“Will it be okay if I issue her an inhaler anyway? It might help her calm down…”

“Go ahead…” the other nurse conceded.

Her shaking fingers could barely push down the inhaler to dispense the medication that she thought could loosen her tight lungs. She managed to utter “Thank you nurses” despite the anger that still had a tight grip on her heart and mind. As she managed to get 2 puffs from the inhaler, she gathered the little air she acquired and started voicing out her complaints against her husband again.

“Stop talking!” commanded the 2 deputies nearby.

She just wouldn’t listen. I wanted to get upset myself knowing that no one could help her. No one… But herself!

Then…I was reminded…of her position. Angry about circumstances that I knew were so unfair. Like what the people from higher positions did to me. Demoted me and didn’t give me a reasonable accommodation for a specific request. The government agency that was supposed to help never investigated and never did what they were supposed to do…To help out those discriminated against in a workplace…I knew it was unfair. And I felt helpless. After exhausting a lot of process.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." (James 4:6, NIV)

“Breathe!!! Relax!”

I remember those inner, familiar Voices that comforted me the whole time. And in those painful seasons of my life, His Word became my guidance that spoke nothing but truth. That because of His grace, I would be okay. Despite this place being opposed to His values. He taught me to be patient and try to relax because as I learned (and still continue to learn) patience, eternity would be the one that would correct all the wrongs I suffered from. Nothing…Nothing could ever calm a weary soul than His grace. There is no room for despair, worries, anxieties or fears, nor injustices…Because the best always comes last to a tried Christian…That it’s just right to always say… “Thank You Lord!”

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. (Philemon 1:25, NLT)

Sadness No More...(When I Think About My Mother)

I found this “reflection” I wrote about my mother on June 1, 2002. She passed away on December 2000. I’m only sharing parts of it:

I can’t understand why all of a sudden, a gnawing feeling of depression is eating my heart. My mother has passed away 2 years ago. Going on 3. When she passed away, I felt some strength at that time despite her unexpected demise. It was one of the weaknesses and hard blows that came to her loved ones, especially me. That strength emanated from the faith she instilled in me. The same faith that guided me whenever I successfully faced my own trials. Faith that I always cling to even if my life turns upside down or helps me dangle at the end of the rope. I have to remember this faith in God because I don’t want to fall into an abyss of despair. I always believe that we create our own triumphs and losses depending on what we choose to walk on in this life’s journey that we all take. I try not to be a pessimist, no matter how strong the urge can be whenever I remember my mother with so much longing. I’m keeping that faith because my mother taught me that during my growing-up years.

There are days when I feel like a child day dreaming…Pretending and making wishes for a world that will bring my mother back to me. In that world, I can be a magician with a wand and with a loud “Open Sesame!”…”Poof!!!” Then…there is my mother!!! In front of me…

But…her image is like a mirage in a vast desert. It fades like a haze in the breaking of dawn when the sun spreads its rays. I see her in my dream that disappears as I open my eyes and wake up to reality.

But having her back is a difficult wish to come true! We all live a short life in this place. Maybe our deaths are not the ending but the beginning of greater tasks ahead. We have a lot of lessons to learn while we are here…Like loving unconditionally and being strong during the times of storms in our lives. In order for us to make it to the other side…

Every time I sit down and ponder on many warm memories that my mother shared with us, I can’t help but let the tears flow. But whenever I feel that the pain is searing in my heart and feel that eternal void, a feeling of enlightenment sweeps over me instead. It feels like a warm shawl that burns away the chilly nights. It feels like the warm sun that fights its way out through those thick clouds. It feels like the warm, soft lunar glow on those dark skies at nights. It feels like my mother’s hugs whenever I want that kind of soothing comfort that only comes from her. A food to my hungry soul.

Just now, I came to realize that I shouldn’t subject myself to being lonely and depressed. I should stop asking for things that needed to end- her life’s cycle that was completed. God gave us our lives and He has the right to take them back.

That’s where the magic lies…We need to discover the purposes of our lives. That is the miracle! To find the true Source of strength and go out and make a difference in this world. This is the kind of wish that can come true! A magic that doesn’t need a prop or a wand…A miracle that starts when we let go of our own selfishness. I’m sure your mother like mine, if she is not here anymore, had passed on their love to us. That’s why we cry so much and feel such tremendous losses. Because they knew how to love and cared for us.And towards others...

I’m asking God to give me more days before I go Home myself. In the meantime, I can reminisce those loving memories of my mother without the bitterness I once nursed. I should celebrate her passing with joys and happiness because she truly shared her wonderful love and I am proud of that miracle she gave to us, her family.

In the meantime, I see many miracles I try not to take for granted. The acts of kindness from people who surround me, be it family or friends. A warm hello from a stranger in the streets…At work, whenever an inmate sincerely utter their “thanks” and shows the appreciation from compassion shown…My son’s hugs and kisses and “I love you’s”, not only to me but when he blows those kisses up in the air to send them to God and to his “lola” (grandmother)…My husband’s understanding and great love that parallels mine…I know…

There is no reason to be sad. Because God is always there to watch us perform our own miracles and that His blessings are always bountiful!

Today is Mother’s Day and I remember my mother with happiness and gladness knowing she is in a better place…I remember, lots of people from back home often would tell me how much I looked like my mother. The resemblance.. so much! I was thrilled…Every time…Deep inside, I also hope that my love will always reflect that of the Savior’s…He is the Source of my joy!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you, mothers out there!!! God bless…

Back To Work

I don’t even know how to start…

“Do I recall my passwords even?” That was the question that started bugging me. As I haven’t gone to work for a little over a month. Nursing my right knee that I had accidentally injured. Though without so much pain, the swelling took a longer course to exit.

But…

Come Friday night, yes, I am going back to work. The Supervisor had already confirmed with me the other night that I was scheduled this Friday to work with them. But for some reason, I wasn’t as excited as I used to be. I think I was more of tired of all injustices and wrongs I had seen, heard and even had gone through myself.

I do miss some people I work with. Those who work hard. Those who are truly concern when someone is going through a tough time. I have not forgotten them.

Jesus’ prayer echoes in my heart:

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.(John 17:15)

It was clear, He prayed for His disciples not to be taken out of this place. But for the Father to keep them safe, be kept away from sinning and strengthened for each one’s duty.

Though I'm not excited, I need to go back to a dark place. The prison...Surrounded by thick walls. Light barely going in through those tiny windows in each tiny cells. With inmates busy planning evil things. Yet, others go through a major transformations inside their hearts, be it good or bad.

My knees might be weaker but He is strengthening me. To go back and continue what He started there for me. I know that it will not be easy when the thick, heavy metal sliding doors open up for me. I know…

I’ll be ready no matter what comes my way…Because this work is not for my glory. It is His.

Our purposes may differ. But we all have the same important goals for our Lord Jesus. That is… to follow in His footsteps and not seek the objects men want in this place.

And I pray…that may His light shine through me as I go back to work this Friday…So people can see my changed heart because of what Jesus did for me. Because not all things are earned…

Only one was already done…And given freely… Because God loves us all…

It is His gift…

Grace…

Sin Desert

“We wish the Lord had killed us in Egypt. When we lived there, we could at least sit down and eat all the bread and meat we wanted. But you have brought us out here into this desert, where we are going to starve.” – Exodus 16:3 (CEV)

I’m going on my 5^th week since I hurt my knee. I saw my doctor the other day to make sure I have the clearance for me to return to work since I can’t work on modified duty being a Per Diem now in the prison. He gave me another note to give to work and have me off again for 2 weeks. The knee remains a little swollen. Without pain, I am just having a little hard time with its range of motion.

Despite the lack of income on my part, I am grateful for God’s provisions. Daily. We have food to eat. Able to pay the monthly bills. This time, if I’m contented before, the more contentment I feel deep inside knowing that God’s promise to be there for us never falters. There are times that worries want to take a residence in my heart. But when the sWORD comes to mind, worries are replaced with His truth.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - John 1:1 (NIV)

This morning, He led me to Exodus 16. Where the Israelites journeyed by Sin Desert. A vast and hostile environment of sand and stone. A place barren and perhaps, with nothing much to offer compared to the Land of Egypt, where the Israelites resided before. Egypt…The land of life’s comfort and pleasures. That barren place is surely the perfect spot for God to test and shape the character of His people.

Oh how they complained! When the Israelites met dangers, shortages and inconveniences. That such circumstances would make them want to go back to Egypt desperately, instead of trusting in God’s promises and provisions.

I learned something new this morning as I continue to journey in this place, Earth…The Sin Desert…

Any difficult circumstances produce so much stress and a natural response is for me to complain and whine. But the question gnawing in my heart is…

“Do I really want to go back to Egypt?”

As I reflect on many stages that had come and gone in my life, I know much better now that because of God’s grace and mercy, any stress peeking at my heart’s door does not come from such difficult trials. It can arise from a heart not willing to trust God completely.

My answer then....is a big No!!!

Because going back to Egypt is only a quick escape. In the long run, it will stop me completely on my tracks and will make me not to press on…

Whatever we are facing today, I pray that God’s power and wisdom will help us even more to trust in Him and make no room for any worries in our hearts.

May we “be strong in the Lord and His mighty power!!!”

Lord, I lift up our lives, Your children's lives to Your hands. Help us deal with difficult circumstances not with our own strength but by Yours. Help us remain joyful, always lifting our hands in prayers to You. Help us focus only on the Word...Jesus...Thank You for Your provisions. Your love. Your grace. Your mercy. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Lift My Life Up (by Unspoken)

You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided
So why would I start to doubt
I’ve never been stranded
Abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I’m giving you control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Have your way in me

If peace is a river
Then let it sweep over me
I’m under fire
I know it’s refining me
When I hear you calling out
I follow now wherever the road may go
I know you’re leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Have your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for you
Take my life and let it be all for you

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way with me
Have your way with me

Take my life and let it be all for you

You brought me this far so why would I question You now
You have provided so why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded, abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I'm giving You control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in Your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me
Have Your way in me

If peace is a river then let it sweep over me
If I'm under fire I know it's refining me
When I hear You calling out I follow now wherever the road may go
I know You're leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in Your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me
Have Your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for You
Take my life and let it be all for You

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
(Take my life)

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
(Take my heart)
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in Your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way with me
Have Your way with me
Have Your way with me
Have Your way with me

Take my life and let it be all for You
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/unspoken/lift-my-life-up-lyrics/#gmvGs7ddCiGtlyz4.99

Grace

Sadness No More...(When I Think About My Mother)

Back To Work

Sin Desert

Encouragers

Friends