Appreciating Flaws

Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (ESV)

“How can such a beautiful place look so good outside and deep inside is dark and scary?” that thought lingered as I drove away from my scheduled interview 11 years ago.

“Do you have any question?” the interviewing Nurse Manager asked me.

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“Only one,” I confidently stated.

“Your place looks so nice with the palm trees around and green lawn and beautiful flowers all over. But coming from the hospital, I haven’t truly been in, in any prison kind of work so I want to see how it’s like inside, if I may?”

“Oh…”with a surprised look she says, “No one had ever requested that. That was a good thing to ask. Some of the nurses who had come here for job interviews were so confident and was so positive at first, then after just working a few days, turned out they all wanted to quit.”

My request was granted. Someone from the Infirmary downstairs had volunteered to give me that tour in that precious few minutes of break she had amidst the mountain of paper works she dealt with daily. I immediately felt suffocated as we both descended downstairs that led to the prison units, including the Clinic and other offices vital to the prison’s needs. She brought me to Intake where heavy metal doors were slammed shut as different arrestees from all walks of life arrived and were to be processed. Funny smell arose from bodies reeking with alcohol and other unknown substances. The more the air became stale.

Sick inmates were lined up, some being yelled at for losing patience, as they waited to be called, one by one, to be seen by either nurses or the jail doctor. I saw darkness amidst the fluorescent light illuminating the whole facility. It felt being buried down there. It was suffocating, as if we were deprived of fresh air to breathe. The mixture of silence and noises at times were deafening.

“Thank you,” I told the Nurse Manager after my brief tour.

“I didn’t expect what to see but I think I will try to learn whatever I need to learn in your facility and just give my best.”

“No, thank you!”

“You had given me that idea to give applicants a chance to see this place and what truly goes on here, day after day.”

I took a deep breath as I hungered for a fresher air as I step a little lower on my gas pedal. Looking at the rear view mirror, I saw the palm trees dancing with the wind. The tan paint coated the outside walls and made the building appeared clean. The grass appeared greener as the sun's rays shone on them. I smiled as I saw some of the sunlight penetrated those tiny windows in the tiny cells. I knew I would be okay to work in that place.

We all face a war that rages deep inside ourselves daily. It is the war to make the decisions, whether good or bad, we need to choose. We are all flawed. We all have imperfections. We all can choose to see the “best” amidst all these imperfections. We can choose to see the “good” out of the “bad.” The way God sees humanity. He knows all of our imperfections and because of love as His nature, He chooses to give us the best despite our flawed nature. Sometimes, no one knows....It is in those flaws and little blessings that may turn out to be the biggest in someone's journey.

When Tough Times Come

“Why don’t you get a glass of water? You know where the bathroom is, right?” the middle-aged woman in front of me asked, as she fixed her eyeglasses that slid a little down her nose. She kept checking the computer monitor, making sure she had put in all the information I had provided.

“I’m sorry,” I softly uttered as I tried to wipe the warm tears that I couldn’t hold anymore.

“I had never been in this process but I felt it was coming. I knew that what they had been doing with me was not right.”

“It’s okay. You know what? You did the right thing,” she reassured. “Sometimes, you need to voice out and fight for what is right.”

I handed over some facts to her opened palms. She browsed and smiled, “I think I have all I need.”

Some people in power at work wanted to do what they thought was right. They sounded like they cared but the intentions were opposite. I sensed all those from the start. But I wasn’t caught off guard even if they thought they paralyzed me. They were not aware that I was constantly ready knowing that the battles rage all around me, day in and day out. They did not know that many times, I had fought back by bending my knees, tears flowing in darkness as I pled for His help. They did not know that my strength was not mine but of His. They did not know that whatever they planned to harm me would not prosper as He was the One truly in control from the start.

Here in this world, the fastest runner doesn’t always win the race. The strongest warrior does not always win the battle. The wisest does not always make the best decision nor give the best wisdom.  The richest does not always mean they feel that way, as their hearts are void of satisfaction and joy. Those on top does not always lead successful lives.

No one can truly predict when tough times come.  Birds are hunted by sudden grazing bullets in the air. Fishes get caught abruptly with a drop of a net. People, like those animals, can also be caught by sudden tragedies. Bad storms can come, disrupting the clear, azure skies, and so it is with our lives when trials suddenly come. There is no right time. There is no right place.

The only security comes from knowing God, our Refuge.Now, those people would have a lot of explaining to do because of the necessary step I took. Quiet. Short. But powerful. All because of His guidance and discernment. Thank You Lord!

^“1 God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.” – Psalm 46:1-3 (NIV)

Fear of the Judge

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” ~ Hebrews 12:28-29 (NIV)

I tapped on the glass window to get the attention of the Intake Nurse rushing to go toward the transportation area of the prison. She didn’t notice me as I waited for the Custody Specialist to just open the heavy, metal door.

As the Supervisor left early and gave me the task to be the acting Charge Nurse, I listened intently on the radio traffic as inmates were being prepared to be boarded in their designated buses that would bring them to court and see the judge that morning. It never failed, morning by morning, on court days, when something always went wrong with those inmates. Some happened to complain of feeling like fainting. Others were secretly hit by strong punches from unknown fists if personalities among them clashed. Some were planned. It was always a hectic time for the Intake Nurse as any mandown would give more work to be done, and would slow down her already burdened work load. Any pair of extra hands would truly make the task easier.

She smiled upon seeing me, as she pulled the wheeled vital signs machine. Halfway in the long hallway, we saw a deputy holding the shoulder part of the inmate’s orange shirt. He complained of feeling like he was going to faint. The fumes coming from the warming up huge, diesel-fueled buses were noticeable even though the metal doors were closed.

All of the man’s vital signs were normal. But it didn’t mean that there was nothing wrong with him. We completely understood the fear that must have overwhelmed them upon realizing that they had to face the judge that morning, with the punishment still unknown to the crimes they committed.

“Sorry, you must go,” we uttered. “Your vital signs are okay. Just try to relax.”

The deputy upon hearing us yelled, “Let’s go! Get in the bus!” Every second was rushed by then. There shouldn't be any delay, as some of the buses would have to travel long distances. He picked up the inmate sitting on the cold floor and holding him again by the shoulder, he helped him get up as his wrists were cuffed behind him.

Don’t we all face the same reality of fearing God? Of facing the only Judge? But for those who don’t believe in God, they face the fear of God’s judgment and eternal death. And for those who believe in Him, it is different. Fear is much more of revering Him.

God's Math

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ." - Philippians 3:8 (NLT)

Hanging up the phone with my left hand getting tired after getting an update on the inmates that were admitted in the hospital, I asked for permission from the night charge nurse if I could go briefly to our ODR (Officer’s Dining Room) and I had a taste for coffee which was unusual for me to drink while at work.

The other nurse working with me, upon hearing that I was going to get a cup wanted to tag along, too. So, off we both went. What was puzzling was he never usually said anything let alone, he wanted to go with me which would mean conversation would be inevitable.

Sensing he wanted to vent out, he sort of talked about some frustrations about co-workers how some were lazy and some were abusing their power. I could feel for him as I was involved in a battle with some in positions and the silent war was not known except between myself and those others involved.

“I know,” agreeing with his statements. “Nothing new. It’s been that way. I had never been so grateful than when I was blessed with this job,” I uttered.

“Sad to say, the problem is always about the people.”

Tracing our steps back to the Infirmary down a long hallway, with him balancing 2 styrofoam cups of coffee on his right hand as I held on to the lid of my coffee, I felt not the warmth of the coffee but more of the warmth of our conversation and was glad that he opened up. I was beginning to know a little more about his attitudes since we started a new schedule this year and I was glad to be included with the people I ended up working with most of the time. It was a new thing tried out to encourage everyone to have a better working relationship.

“If only people would learn to compromise and truly look for the good and not the bad, it would have been the best job,” I stated as he nodded his head in agreement and took a careful sip from the warm liquid.

People had talked about him being lazy. But I never agreed since I started working with him and found out that he worked as hard as the rest of us. That’s the problem at work. People love to believe “hear says.” They forget that there are always 2 sides to a story. One side always seem so true not until you hear the other side.

“How many updates did you do?” he asked, changing the topic.

“Man! There’s more admits tonight. I had to call for 15 inmates.”

15. A number. Sounds like a lot. I also screened almost a 100 health screen forms, approving those who could be transferred to our other prisons if our main jail needed to make room for newly-arrived prisoners. To others, that would be a lot. But for me who did more at the hospital I used to work in for almost 10 years, that would mean nothing. An easy kind of work for those of us who did more hard work at the hospital.

At work, they look at those numbers for our supervisors to know how much work our shift does. The higher the number, it meant more work was done. Yet, those numbers would never reflect the quality of work applied by many of us. Some did them fast without complaining. Some did them slow and took work for granted while doing other idle and useless things.

People forget there is a Boss Who looks at everything and sees everything. With numbers or no numbers, He knows what transpires every time. If people can only learn from Him and truly know Him, every work will be able to create a masterpiece. Oh, how I pray for His love to cover our workplace, touching each person’s heart! For only then those numbers will have a meaning as a result of changed hearts -  hearts that if only can learn to surrender to His love will gain His rich spiritual blessings instead of counting it as a loss. For in God’s Math, the “cross” resembles the “plus” sign in this world’s math. So, everything is a “plus” if people’s hearts open up and allow God’s love to be poured into theirs.