Why Me?

I was there in that dark and lonely, small room, contemplating to end my life. The year was sometime in 1990. Being away from my family for 4 years at that time, with nowhere to go to, trapped in a nightmare that I never expected, my tears were flowing endlessly. I was pleading for some divine intervention, that at that time, I wasn’t sure if there was. Until He made it known that He was true. That He heard me. As I wept and told Him my problems, I asked for forgiveness and wanted Him to direct my life.

Weeks later, He gave me a way out with the ordeal I was facing.

I didn’t want to tell my loving parents back home, because I didn’t want them to worry about me. Nor did I want for their relationship with my uncle soured. My uncle [my mother’s first cousin] helped me to come here through adoption. He said only to help me out so I could take Nursing here. The kindness he showed when he was in our country was not the same when I got here. He loved me more than his own children. But along with that, came a character that was difficult for me to understand. He didn’t want to let me go. He didn’t want me to open bank accounts. He didn’t want me to open any credit accounts.

I was confused. Yet, he wanted me to call him “dad” and my aunt “mom”. I was grateful for the treatment he gave me as if I was his own kid. I worked so hard. I woke up early to help clean the house. I studied hard. I worked part time so I didn’t need to ask for money as much as possible. My own biological father and some of my own siblings were sending me financial support at times. But he was upset about that.

I found solace when I was at work, the opposite, when I should be tired and should long to be home, resting on bed. But I would rather stay at work. Every time I would be near his house as I went home, it felt like my heart was being pricked with so many, many thorns.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted my own place. I wanted out. And it was that night that I surrendered to Someone I had ignored for so long…

Tonight, as I was praising the Lord with the songs He put into my heart, I saw this song I had composed back in September 20, 2005. At that time, looking back at what transpired after that night, I now know, that the Lord did give me a way out! He took me out of that trap and “freed” me…I didn’t deserve that. But that is His nature: unconditional love, endless forgiveness. Here is the song I wanted to share with you. To God be the glory!

Why Me?

I bent my knees at the stillness of the night
Cried out my heart with tears from my eyes
I’m all alone in Your presence
I felt the warmth of Your love

Chorus:

[spoken: I had to ask/A sinner like me]…Why me, Lord, why me?
I turned my back on You but You still accepted me
Why me, Lord, why me?
Your love and grace came pouring down…..on me…

And right there I died but I’d be proud to say
Christ….now lives in me
I’m never alone for You’re always in my heart
Your faithful love carries me…

[Repeat Chorus]

Why me?

Discernment

I just walked into the Clinic to start my shift, when one of the LVN’s approached me and asked me if she could confide with me and ask for my opinion at the same time.

“Rcubes, I was passing evening meds in this particular unit. I called for an inmate’s name. This man came and opened his hand and he took the pills really fast as I asked him to show his ID. He already swallowed it when I realized it wasn’t the inmate that I wanted.”

“What meds did you give?” I asked.

She told me it was for seizure. I told her it shouldn’t hurt him not unless, he would be allergic to those meds. But she should take his vital signs and record what happened anyway in the nurse’s notes. In case that man later on, decided to say something against her, her notes would back her up. He shouldn’t have taken the meds anyway because she was calling another inmate’s name.

“I got upset with him. I told him, why did you show up when you knew it was not your name?” she added.

“It’s too late now,” I replied. “They are that way. You can’t trust them to do the right thing because they always want something from you.”

“I know you have good intentions. And in your busyness when you’re passing thousands of meds to these inmates, sometimes, it’s hard to keep track of what you need to do. You’re trying to do a good job and I know you are a great nurse. But there comes a time that only one inmate will be your downfall because of their crazy ways.”

Fortunately, the inmate turned out to be okay and was in no harm. Yet, the LVN, feeling comfortable with what I told her, still put him up for the doctor to be checked out to make sure that he would be completely okay.

Her only fault…she failed to check the inmate’s ID before even giving the pills.

“Be careful…be very careful next time even if something goes chaotic. Focus on what you need to check before you give out these meds. Like what I said, I know you. You‘ve been a great nurse here and focus on keeping that good job. Learn from that mistake,” I advised.


Discernment….The dictionary says it means “keenness of insight and judgment.” In our spiritual life, we also need spiritual discernment. It is calling on the Holy Spirit to lead or give direction about a matter. It’s more than a learned skill. Spiritual discernment is a gift from God. Yet, we use our skills or gifts in which the Spirit can work through to help us discern rightly.

We can be knowledgeable with the Scriptures, but some of us are not willing to be taught by the Spirit. In doing so, we are not learning discernment. We are not seeking the truth. What good is that knowledge if we are not willing to surrender to the leading of the Spirit? How can we discern evil from good, if we rely on our own judgment?

It’s only by His grace that we are able to do that.

Like in the jail, we all follow protocols in many skills that we have to do. Same thing when it comes to discerning God’s will. It’s not only for me. It includes you, all of you, the church.

“Lord, I’m sorry for my sins. I’m sorry for not trusting in You sometimes and I just feel so good that I can do everything on my own. Well, that’s not true. We are nothing without You. Help us Lord in everything that we do. That in everything we do, think or say will glorify none but You. Please give us spiritual discernment, Oh Lord. To know the evil things and not be a part of them. Thank You Lord. In Jesus’ Name. Amen”

"God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede." - Oswald Chambers

"Discerning and acting on God's will does not mean you'll never have difficult days or feel lousy sometimes. But choosing to live in alignment with God makes you more joyful, compassionate, and peaceful, even on bad days." - Debra K. Farrington

More of Jesus let me learn
More of His holy will discern;
Spirit of God, my teacher be
Showing the things of Christ to me.
------ ('More About Jesus', EE Hewitt, 1915)

Sharing Faith

“I told the deputy when I got here that I needed to see the nurse because I was pregnant. But she didn’t let me,” spoke a young inmate with an upset tone.

She was complaining of spasms on her lower abdomen. I told the unit to send her down to Infirmary so I could test her for pregnancy and determine what was wrong.

“Usually, inmates complaining of lower abdominal pain don’t drink lots of water. So, I’m going to ask you, how much water do you drink?”

“Honestly, since I got here….None!”

“If you’re able to give me a little sample of your urine, I’ll test it for pregnancy and even a simple urinalysis because maybe you’re coming down with UTI [Urinary Tract Infection].”

Only a few drops were visible with the small cup she handed back to me. It was very dark, obviously concentrated urine. Just enough. For pregnancy tests. Being careful not to waste even a drop, I slowly put some on the test strips. Few seconds later, both lines, one red and one blue became visible meaning it was positive for pregnancy.

After taking her vital signs and asking her more about pregnancy history, I set her up to see the doctor that morning. I started her prenatal vitamins and other things she was supposed to have to make sure that she had a follow up care. She was so thankful that I had seen her and did not turn down her request, as it was not really an emergency.

“Drink! Lots and lots of water….Maybe that’s all you need…Water…I‘ll have you be seen by our doctor in just a few hours when he gets here. Okay?”

Smilingly, she replied, “Yes, Ma’am. I will. Thank you.”

When I went back to work that night, I reviewed her chart to see what was done by the doctor. During that sick call, she denied the abdominal pain and actually had told the doctor that she started feeling better after I saw her. There was no further order as I already had initiated all the things that she needed, being pregnant. I felt relieved for her that it turned out to be okay.
　
Have you encountered those who need help, in distress, because they are pregnant with the sins they bear? For many months, for many years, or all throughout their lives? Have you done enough to let them know that sometimes, all they need is to drink the “Living Water” in order for them to feel better? Have you ignored their pleas for them to see the “Doctor”?

Don’t be afraid to share the Good News. Don’t let that opportunity go if the Lord has brought someone needing salvation to you. Don’t be afraid to share that faith based on truth!

How do you share our faith with those who are very spiritually sick? This is from “Sharing your faith made easy [by Mark Walter]:

From 1 Peter 3:15:

~”Always…” - always means always or at all times. There is no day or time of day when we are off duty as Christians.

~”…be prepared” - means make preparations to help you to share your faith. Reading through a book like this is one way to do this. Become truly familiar with the Bible.

~ “…to give an answer” - means that there are answers to give. You may not know all the answers now. You may never know all the answers. But this does not stop you from finding out some answers when you get stuck. Make use of more experienced Christians. See if one of them can help you.

~ “…to everyone” - means everyone [no omissions, no exceptions]. You can’t be too choosy who you witness to. God may give you many different kinds of people that you should witness to.

~ “…give the reason” - means that the Christian faith is not anti-reason. Oh yes, it is faith, but we have all been given the minds by God. God commands us to love Him with our minds. It brings no credit to Jesus if we give the impression that Christianity is irrational. If that was the case, it would mean that a human mind is superior to God’s mind.

~ “…for the hope you have” - means that we must share the hope and confidence that we have in Jesus as our Savior.

~ “…do this with gentleness and respect” - means that we treat people with a kindly, understanding spirit. We don’t turn people off by our attitude or misdemeanor.
　
So, keep cool! Remember that it’s possible to win that argument but still lose the battle. May God give us the boldness to share the Good News!

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