Just Because

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. – Hebrews 4:12-13 (NLT)

I woke up from a short nap as the late afternoon’s sun was still baking the back of our house. My mind wandered right away to what had transpired at work the last two nights. As the supervisor was away and on a vacation, her seat being taken over by two, newer nurses. One with correctional nursing background, the latter a new grad who was assigned that Saturday night as the other one called off. Sadness and the feeling of being fed up with purposeless conversations or actions among the staff cut deep into my heart on those past, two nights.

Pressing the power button to warm up a bowl of what my husband made for lunch for my late meal, I told him about the heavy feeling I had. I knew he sympathized with me all the time. As it was the same for his work. We knew the toughness that came in working for these kinds of careers. We knew the dangers. But we also both loved it and felt the calling in our hearts during those times of our transitions from our old jobs. Him from the military to a federal agency. Mine from orthopedic floor in a big hospital to correctional setting.

Many years passed as we both learned and discovered the ills. Not only with the criminals we dealt with. But sadly, inside our own work environment. Our department. The polished image outside didn’t necessarily matched what was going on inside. 

I chose not to be intimidated by that kind of power when I had to go against some powerful people myself. It might have seemed I was defeated. But in my spiritual state, I won. God always gave me ways to save me. He rescued me every time. Working less hours as their punishment to demote me to a per diem position became a winning advantage on my part. Their own penalty went against them when they couldn’t force me anymore to work in whatever shifts they wanted me to. Whatever hours they wanted me to. Because as a per diem, I had the choice to put in my availability. On my own terms. Well…God-given terms.

Friday night was very busy. But the three of us made it through that storm. On Saturday night, the Charge Nurse on Friday night called in sick. I sensed he might. He looked so weary that morning we all parted. Saturday night was a different story. Lots of mingling and conversations about “clubs”, about relationships and other vain things. As I watched the hands of the clock moved so slowly. And tried spending my time helping the medical secretary prepared the charts for the sick calls for Sunday morning. I could sense the abrupt “shush” when I would go back to my seat where they were gathered, talking all night long. Laughing all night long. But working in this environment for 14 years, I already developed a thick skin and deaf ears and blind eyes. 

Some of their topics were uncomfortable to my operated heart. I chose not to join. It wasn’t easy. I felt like a surfer going with those other ones toward the waves. Against the flow. Then, only a handful made it, catching the big wave that brought glory back to shore. I wanted to always be a part of that “few handful”. 

The supervisor was away and people under her wanted to do what they wanted to do. Jesus was away and people wanted to do what they wanted to do. A lot never believed in Him and what He had done on the cross. But I chose to trust in Him. Just because…

Credit

God’s promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. For this good news—that God has prepared this rest—has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn’t share the faith of those who listened to God. For only we who believe can enter his rest. As for the others, God said,

“In my anger I took an oath:
    ‘They will never enter my place of rest,’”

Even though this rest has been ready since he made the world. ⁴ We know it is ready because of the place in the Scriptures where it mentions the seventh day: “On the seventh day God rested from all his work.”But in the other passage God said, “They will never enter my place of rest.”

So God’s rest is there for people to enter, but those who first heard this good news failed to enter because they disobeyed God. ⁷ So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today. God announced this through David much later in the words already quoted:

“Today when you hear his voice,
    don’t harden your hearts.” – Hebrews 4:1-7 (NLT)

I took my first bite and realized something… The heaviness wasn’t coming anymore from what was going on at work. The pain came from knowing how hard it was and would be. To make that decision to follow Christ. To choose to do the right thing no matter what. 

That is the true battle I face. Each day. No matter where I am. The worldly things against that of God’s. One thing is for sure…

No matter how badly wounded I get, God is always there to welcome me. Reassure me. Strengthen me. Increase my wisdom with His knowledge and grace. He continues to transform and operates on my heart which will hurt more. Because He is setting me apart. Away from sins that imprisoned me before. He called me to His freedom. His Word truly cuts deeper than what a man can do to me. To make a new me. Who will hunger for Him and His place. The place where rest is eternal.

Lord, please help me...To always go against the flow...And to bring YOUR glory back Home...Thank You Lord.

I Won't Be Shaken

I flipped the calendar early this morning and felt sadness instead of a welcoming joy to the new month that just arrived. I had gotten a copy of the new schedule for June and realized that our supervisor would be on vacation for both the weekends that I had scheduled myself to work.

“See you next time,” she smiled as she asked me at the same time why there seemed to be a little bit of worry glowing from my face that morning we said our “goodbyes.”

“Not a big deal…Enjoy your vacation,” I replied as she insisted why I seemed to be worried when she knew me as always being calm even when I had faced such a difficult time at our workplace.

“Sorry…I’m happy that you are taking a vacation but not as excited knowing how some will abuse your absence to do what they want to do…”

She grew silent. Her smile disappeared. I thought I saw her swallow whatever “lump” formed in her throat. She agreed. She knew the truth to what I said as she had just gotten upset recently about a particular new worker she heard was already becoming lazy, few nights she wasn’t working and talked to her right away as soon as she came back to work.

“There is a saying, Rcubes…. ‘When the cat is away, the mouse will play…”

“I’ll find out when I come back…”

“Nurse R…Forget work, okay? Enjoy your time with your family,” I ended our conversation as we separated in the staff’s parking lot to locate where we both parked our cars.

I still felt the heavy heart as I started my engine. Grasping for my cell phone, I texted my husband and son that I would be on my way home. The heaviness bringing back to what must the disciples felt as they prepared for Jesus’ departure. Away from them. Jesus knew their heavy hearts. And right away comforted them:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” – John 14:1-4 (NIV)

The heaviness slowly disappeared. As truth flowed and was being fed into my mind and heart. The supervisor’s absence was only temporary. How much more with Jesus’?. She would find out what would happen and if there was any wrong doing, she would be quick to address those issues as everyone knew how she dealt with problems among her night crew. And Jesus? He is coming back…He said that…

His Truth permeating by then to my spirit. In His absence at the present time and as the “unquiet turmoil” increases each day, my heart will continue to trust in Him alone. Knowing that by trusting and believing in Him is the only way to calm down and relieve me of my sorrows during these difficult times. I know… “I won’t be shaken no matter what comes my way knowing Jesus spoke of Truth…That He is the only Way, the Truth and the Life… And that no one can go to the Father but by Him.” My faith in the ever-faithful God is the “9-1-1” I can call at times of distress.  No! I won’t be moved!!! My heart leaping with joy at that moment.

 “Because if God is for us, who can be against us?”

Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. – Psalm 62:6 (NIV)

The Invisible Badge

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. – Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

The golden badge flashed before our slumped, tired bodies as we neared the end of our shift. Warning the nursing staff that he, the deputy, brought the inmate I asked for to be evaluated for his suicidal ideation, his eyes scanned around until he found me sitting in front of a computer monitor in a corner.

“Thanks, deputy, for bringing him. I appreciate it.” I hollered as I knew that as the medical staff’s shift became slow at those hours, the deputies’ were just beginning again with many activities they needed to accomplish before they finished theirs.

There he was…Sitting on the last chair. His stare…blank on the cold floor and he slowly raised his what seemed to be a very heavy head to acknowledge my shadow approaching near where he was. His affect…Flat. His stare… Exhausted and glistening with tears awaiting to fall in the corners of his dark eyes. Exhausted from many a ‘sleepless nights’ and that darkness that encircled his eyes. Darkness that also extinguished the light of joy that once was dancing in his heart…

“Sorry…I had to ask the deputy to bring you here. I was concerned that you sent us a sick call request stating that you wanted to hurt  yourself. Did you write this? And if you did, do you want to hurt yourself?”

Like a scared puppy with sad eyes, he acknowledged he was the one who wrote the request. Except…it wasn’t true that he wanted to commit suicide. 

“I am depressed, Ma’am…I feel it’s getting worse…I’m sorry if I made it sound like I want to do that. I only did that because other inmates told me that was the fastest way to be seen by the Psych Doctor and to get meds if I wanted to.”

I tried not to interrupt as my suspicion was being proven to be true. That others told him to do so… The unit deputy briefly looking to where I was as he knew I had told him what I suspected about that request…

“Then…I realized…I won’t do that. I can’t. That’s their game. It’s stupid…To lie like that…Ma’am, my dad passed away and that’s why I’m feeling like this…We’re very close…I know…I won’t make him proud and that’s disrespectful to him if I listened to those inmates. They lie to get what they want…I’m sorry…”

I kept maintaining meeting his stare, avoiding to even blink so as not to miss his honesty being given. Finding the skills learned from years working with suicidal inmates and those depressed ones,  my mind was busy remembering the friends who lost loved ones and that of my own. Of losing my own father 7 years ago…To try to find a commonality to help me speak with this depressed man in front of me so I could help him see that I truly understood where he was coming from. I knew…The loss was hard to bear. Grief was a process that has no end sometimes. It could be a long duration a broken heart has to bear. Each day. Each long day. I was also looking for cues. For any sign that would help me make sure that he wouldn’t do nor plan a quick escape from this pain. That was the hardest thing to spot of all.

“Don’t apologize, Sir. I appreciate that you told me the truth behind your sick call request. The inmates were right. That was the fastest way to get attention. But they were wrong that doing so would guarantee you getting medications. Because it all depends from what the Psych doctor would want to order. Or not.”

“But you’re hurt. I could feel your depression. What you’re going through is true and very painful. And no one can say ‘You’ll be over in no time.” Because the truth is…No one knows how long grieving lasts.”

“Ma’am,” he interrupted.

“I can wait…I’ll wait for the Psych doctor to see me. I know I do need help.”

“Do you believe in God” I uttered loudly as the deputy wondered where my probing was leading to.

“I’m a Christian.”

“Do you feel like talking with a pastor would help you?” 

Silence…Then the deputy asked if he could interfere.

As I nodded, the deputy said that the inmate already asked for the Chaplain.

“I think you know, Sir what process to take. I’m glad you’re choosing to be patient and not listen to other ill advices. I’ll make sure that the mental health services will see you first thing come Monday.”

He thanked me as he tried to paint a smile on his haggard face. But no smile was ever painted by the brush of his broken heart. Tears grew as they remained ready to flow. Tears brought about by the news of losing his father who loved him dearly and the long incarceration he had to endure behind the bars.

I thanked the deputy as his golden badge glistened but quickly faded as he turned to help the inmate stand up. With his cuffed wrists, he slowly rose with heavy, drooping shoulders. His head remained looking at the floor as he took heavy steps back to his unit.

Then I saw the invisible badge. The badge that this depressed, Christian man was wearing…It spelled:

P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-A-N-C-E…

Satan’s arrows crippled this man bad or so it seemed for now…And I prayed…

For that Christian inmate…For God to help him draw his shield close…His shield of faith…Close to his spirit. Faith that would help him cry out unto God of Armor…So that he would be able to endure…Up to the end…And have His “joy” reclaim the lost areas in his heart that was lost to Satan’s arrows…

Grace

I wanted to get upset…As this female inmate gasped for breath in front of me. Complaining of “difficulty breathing and almost like a chest pain”, she described. She wouldn’t stop talking about how she didn’t deserve to be imprisoned. My advices to help her calm down were just going out her other ear.

“Okay…Stop talking! Take a deep breath!”

“My husband…and his mistress…” she paused as she labored to bring in some puffs of air into her lungs.

“Stop! I said! Just try to relax, Ma’am…”

She tried…But I could sense the heaviness of her heart…Of her heart that didn’t want to cease from contemplating how much she never deserved to be behind the bars. Her other worries that only herself knew of what transpired from the past and what perhaps were coming ahead. 

I was only helping the other nurse who initially treated her. The nurse didn’t want to give an inhaler when this inmate thought that it might help her. She had clear lung sounds. But deep inside, there was no inhaler that could ever help with the labored breathing provoked by an anxiety attack.

“Will it be okay if I issue her an inhaler anyway? It might help her calm down…”

“Go ahead…” the other nurse conceded.

Her shaking fingers could barely push down the inhaler to dispense the medication that she thought could loosen her tight lungs. She managed to utter “Thank you nurses” despite the anger that still had a tight grip on her heart and mind. As she managed to get 2 puffs from the inhaler, she gathered the little air she acquired and started voicing out her complaints against her husband again.

“Stop talking!” commanded the 2 deputies nearby. 

She just wouldn’t listen. I wanted to get upset myself knowing that no one could help her. No one… But herself!

Then…I was reminded…of her position. Angry about circumstances that I knew were so unfair. Like what the people from higher positions did to me. Demoted me and didn’t give me a reasonable accommodation for a specific request. The government agency that was supposed to help never investigated and never did what they were supposed to do…To help out those discriminated against in a workplace…I knew it was unfair. And I felt helpless. After exhausting a lot of process. 

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." (James 4:6, NIV)

“Breathe!!! Relax!”

I remember those inner, familiar Voices that comforted me the whole time.  And in those painful seasons of my life, His Word became my guidance that spoke nothing but truth. That because of His grace, I would be okay. Despite this place being opposed to His values. He taught me to be patient and try to relax because as I learned (and still continue to learn) patience, eternity would be the one that would correct all the wrongs I suffered from. Nothing…Nothing could ever calm a weary soul than His grace. There is no room for despair, worries, anxieties or fears, nor injustices…Because the best always comes last to a tried Christian…That it’s just right to always say… “Thank You Lord!”

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. (Philemon 1:25, NLT)