Composed Songs

The blue binder caught my eyes as I was barely waking up from a late 2 hours of sleep after 2 nights at work these past 2 days. It had been sitting there next to the Bible I have been using all these years. Binder that contained almost 100 songs that God had given me from the periods of 3 years. Some with melodies as I patiently tried to find the guitar chords that would go with the lyrics usually written first. Some without.

Flipping the pages one by one, the familiar notes returned to that melodic chamber that had been quiet in my heart for a while. “How could I miss the fact?” I asked myself. The truth slowly surfaced as I read and sang some favorite songs at the top of my head. 

God had given me each song not during the times of triumphs. Nor at times of joyful celebrations. Not at those moments filled with laughter. No! He didn’t give me the song when I felt like jumping in the air with elation. Not when I was rich with blessings. Nor comforting times.

Photobucket.com

Those were the times when each song was written:   

- When I was filled with so much fear as my family and I got involved with a spiritual battle as one family member got involved in a cult and got plagued with tormenting moments in order for my family and I to be filled with hate instead of love, division instead of unity, confusion instead of order.

- When I was physically drained of energy fulfilling my role as a wife and mother, as a sister to my siblings, as a daughter to my father, as a friend to those who befriended me.

- When the car I was driving almost flipped over when I lost control as I braked hard thinking that another car next to mine was close to hitting me. I was 4 months pregnant at that time and I prayed so hard for God to give me a chance to see the baby He formed in me.

- When one of my nieces had to go for a necessary surgery for her life to be extended and there I was, being strengthened and comforted by  a song being written as she went for surgery 

- Whenever I felt alone, afraid, wounded by life’s pains and storms, limited with own strength.

-When my father was dying from Colon Cancer.

- When my husband and I had to call 9-1-1 as my son, then, very young, woke up with a heavy nose bleeding

- When my heart was troubled from seeing “suffering people” around me

- When loved ones passed away

I could go on and on…And realizing what I had been going through at work from the past 2 years, I began to wonder…

There was no song!!!

I haven’t composed a song. 

And in a childish tone, my mind asked, “Why Lord?”

“Why is there no song?”

He answered me, not with my own composed songs. That of other’s. In fact written by Matt Redman. “The Father’s Song”. He brought up a favorite song of mine. Not the whole song but just the Chorus part:

“Heaven’s perfect melody
The Creator’s symphony
You are singing over me
The Father’s song
Heaven’s perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you’re singing over me
The Father’s song…”

My heart froze. He always spoke not in long ways. Short but to the point. Not going around the bushes but straight to the fact.

With song or no composed song, I was already given the "perfect song." Jesus...He has always been there and is always there no matter what is going on in my life. He has been the song in my heart during the darkest times to remind me about His light. He has been the song at the core of my heart during my weakest in order for Him to be able to strengthen me and help me move on. Yes, He has been the perfect song which came when my soul was dying of thirst and His rivers of grace and mercy always brought me to that strait so I could be shown another way. He has been  the melodic tune that wiped the dry tears and renewed my spirit. I must realize... It was and would always be through these trials that this perfect Song would bring me the reminder that I should not be comfortable in this place. Just because…

It isn’t my home. I won’t be singing here. There is a place waiting for me.

But God has already given me heaven’s perfect melody while down here.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.- Psalm 40:3 (ESV)

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.- Colossians 3:16 (ESV)

What am I to do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will pray with my mind also; I will sing praise with my spirit, but I will sing with my mind also.- 1 Corinthians 14:15 (ESV)

My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed.-Psalm 71:23 (ESV)

And they were singing a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and before the elders. No one could learn that song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth.- Revelation 14:3 (ESV)

Wait...Wait Some More...

visualphotos.com

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth. - Psalm 121:1,2 (ESV)

“Would you please relax?” my husband suggested as our son and I had called him from home and greeted him with our usual “Good Morning” as soon as our son woke up.  Our son started his week-long vacation to observe the Thanksgiving Holiday. 

“Forget your charge for now,” he added. “Just go out and enjoy the day! Like you guys can go and have lunch somewhere!”

The day’s forecast predicted a beautiful weather. Not too hot. Not too cold. As I did my last load of laundry, my close friend called me and asked if it would be okay for her to come over after her doctor’s appointment so we could have lunch together with my son who was also close to her. What a perfect time! I thought…

“Where are we gonna’ go?” I texted.

“Okay to go to our favorite hotdog and hamburger place if your labs returned okay?” I added ending that statement with a smiley face.

A little over an hour, she did come and my son chose to go to a near deli shop close to our house where old folks and familiar customers usually gathered. It was a quaint shop but the food served was delicious! 

Except…the waiting could also be a long time. 

We pushed the glass door with a dangling “Open” sign slowly as we saw how many people were already sitting, waiting for their orders. In fact, most of the tables were filled. I saw 2 tables that were empty so we all walked to the one near the wall. Greeted with a big smile by the old lady working there, she took our orders for our drinks. As we browsed. And browsed. On what to order. So many choices. Except. The risk was to wait. My friend knew by that time as my son tried to explain. But he also warned her, she would love the sandwiches they were famous for!

“J (my husband) told me to forget about my ordeal and enjoy the day and go out for lunch,” I told my friend as she intently read what was on the menu.

“I hope you’re listening,” she replied.

“Well, I’m glad you came. Thank you for coming and having lunch with us,” I echoed.

So…I ended up ordering Barbeque beef on their French roll. My son ordered Pastrami sandwich and my friend decided she would have the Philly Cheese Steak. 

“Okay…Here we go…” I whispered.

“What?” my friend asked with her brows raised, trying to get a clue.

“The waiting period starts…now!”

We chatted. About my son’s latest from his school activities. And though he knew I didn’t want to brag much about him, he knew I was proud of his hardworking study habits without my husband and I telling him to do so. My friend was enthusiastic to hear much from him all the time since she knew our son since he was 4 years old. He would be an adult soon. We all got carried away with joking around and telling other stories that we didn’t seem to notice how long we had waited. Until the orders came, piping hot as each huge plate was being placed in front of us.

The first bites came and our conversation died down as the three of us, savored and enjoyed the delicious sandwiches. The wait was worth it. My friend and I always fight when it comes to paying My friend grabbed the check and ended up paying for our lunch. She wanted to treat me and my son as she hasn’t seen him in a long time. We slowly got up and as we went out the door, we couldn’t help but observe how many more people kept coming in. The sun by then was shining brightly.

“What a beautiful day!” exclaimed my friend.

I looked up and saw how clear the blue skies were. 

“Thank You!” I whispered.

I looked up and let the sun’s rays bathe over me. I knew the profound truth that waiting for His timing was always the best thing I could do. It would be all worth it. To see the “blurry” with the “eyes of faith” and just wait…Wait…Wait some more…

"Someday...I will understand

All the things will be clear for me

As I live for now, all I know

Is that I must...trust in no one...but You..."

~ chorus part from my song "I Will Never" on 1/17/07

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!!! God bless!

In The Lowest Times

Overwhelmed with thousands of cases from employees who brought charges against their employers, I could see that closing my case without truly looking at all the evidences gathered was the easiest route to lessen that lady’s load. I was upset at the beginning knowing that their help was the only help I needed to show how much discrimination and harassment occurred at work from those people who held high positions and were used to doing everything in their own wisdom, even if such actions or words were not right, propelled them to keep repeating such knowing that they could get away with it. 

As soon as I got home after trying to go to this government office, about a little over an hour away, I called my work to verify when I would be scheduled to work. The Charge Nurse at the desk just informed me that another evening shift nurse had quit. He had faced a tough battle, too, I was sure of that. From our supervisors.

Waiting for 2 years, I thought for sure, that I would get that help I was expecting for. And that was what upset me when the lady called me and told me I couldn’t do anything because I accepted the Per Diem position according to my employer. Despite my response that I was given no choice and accepted under duress because otherwise, verbally and written by those people, not accepting the offer would mean termination on my part. I asked her if that was not considered a demotion of my position since I lost all of the benefits a regular job status had. She did not know what to say. She promised she would get back with me. But that promise was replaced with a letter instead that arrived from the mail. 

Case dismissed.

I wasn’t even given a chance to be able to bring it to a federal court. No wonder, no lawyer would pick up. There was a time frame. If I didn’t make it, that was it. I lost this case. Forever.

I wanted to fight. Knowing that no one monitored these people also from the government. But the process was not always easy. It was hard to get an appointment to see the Director. I tried personal visits. Emails. Phone calls…Nothing…I knew my case became just an “statistic”…Among those cases closed.

Over the course of this ‘waiting period’, I gathered my strength from God’s truth. I knew from the beginning how tough the battle would be because of corruption in this world. What powerful people thought of their victories are actually what enslave them. Pride. Power. Their own wisdom and strength. Those can easily be their own bondage. And when entangled, one could easily be trapped.

Only God’s truth protects me. Only God’s truth strengthens me. Only God’s truth gives me hope and helps me rests in peace and joy despite all those tough moments I had to go through, especially when facing such “powerful people”. I never showed I was afraid of them. I only told them about hurtful words. Hurtful. Because they were the truth. To none, they could not respond. To none, they could not give me any facts. To none, they could not hurl anything back. Truth for truth. Because there was no truth in their actions nor words.

If I may seem to quit battling this people, I would never consider it a loss. I felt already I had the victory even from the start. No matter what the outcome was. The process might be painful but this same process had drawn me closer to Jesus. And in Him, there is truth!!! And the word of truth is the water of life. It refreshes one’s soul no matter what it is facing in life...Ahhh… The rivers of grace and of His mercy…Because of them, going through a trial is a must. That’s when the eye of faith is tested. That’s the chance for a soul to prosper. What this world says is not true. That a man’s lowest point is when he’s facing the darkest times of his life. But in God’s eyes, through persecution and those lowest times are the periods when souls can truly prosper and be at their best health.

Yes, with God, our worst things are often our “best things”. For with wicked man’s mercies come unpleasant things but what hidden blessings found in a righteous man’s cross!!!

Yes, I will quit. With this case if it comes. But I will not quit to persevere. 

Because doing so brings me closest...To His cross...That of Jesus'...


 

In Me

during one of our trips by the beach

I took the last sip from my second cup of coffee I brewed when I got up at 4:00 in the morning. Spending time with His Word before the sun peeks at the horizon this Friday. The what was very cold last drop touched my tongue and reminded me I had forgotten to lift my cup as I visited some of my blog friends.

I haven’t worked since my brother and his family came here for a visit last month. It was my choice. My work did not want to accommodate me when I asked to remain working part time 2 years ago. But since demoting my position, it didn’t make sense to me that they kept calling me, requesting, sometimes, even pleading that my help was truly needed and would be appreciated. Just like yesterday…I was tossing the vegetables with the chicken on the stove top when the phone rang. I didn’t pick up and let the answering machine took the message. For me. The one doing the nurses’ schedule left a message, coaxing me that my help was needed this Saturday for night shift as they would be very short.

Nights? I thought to myself. They didn’t even want me to work nights. Now, she wanted me? I had been a night nurse since 2000 when I entered that prison door. But they took that away also. The harassment and discrimination that seemed to be determined that I would be calling it “quits”. But by God’s grace, I didn’t. I hang on. I tried to fight. Even if the expected help did not come. But it was the divine grace that sustained me. Up to this time…

They put me as Per Diem. The statements uttered to me with pride knowing what their positions could do without anyone questioning them would happen. They knew. I knew. It was the way things always go in this world. That they seemed to prosper by relying on the power and strength they possessed. Thinking that they would enable me by making me a Per Diem and not gave me the benefits I shouldn’t be entitled to because of my disability, they were sure that I would quit. 

But they didn’t know. I gave this battle from day 1 to Jesus. Making me a Per Diem became an advantage. Instead of them forcing me to work on those shifts that were hard, I could then choose the hours and the days that I wanted to work.  They couldn’t do anything. They were the ones who did that. But God had turned around. For good.

 

And this morning, as I sipped that cold coffee, I am not even aware that the golden glow of the sun had already burst from the eastern skies, as I looked out the window. I will not be afraid even if I don’t know what is to transpire this day. Knowing that in this world’s instability, I believe in a constant God. I believe in His truth. I believe in the Anchor of my soul Who gives me calm and peace and joy especially during the severest storms in my life. He is my hope. I turned my head again toward the window. 

Deep inside I know…We don’t cast out anchors deep below. We cast our anchors high above. That is where imperishable hope comes. That is the source of true peace as we weather the storms here below. Jesus is here...

In me…

This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. - Hebrews 6:19 (NLT)