The Faces I See...

‘Anxiety’ requested help because he was having trouble breathing and was having chest pain. No! That was not his name. That was what I saw on his face as I heard slight wheezing on his right lung and the inhaler he was allowed to keep did not ease the tightness he felt as he took in some breaths in his unit. I gave him a Med Nebulizer right away as he kept complaining about his chest pain.

“Relax!” I told him.

“Your airway problem is more a priority to me than your chest pain. Try to breathe in as much of that steam if possible.”

“But…”

“Relax! Trust me!”

It was a concern if he was having chest pain. Not that I ignored that complaint because it was also a dangerous situation if he was having true heart problems at the same time. As I was listening to his lung sounds with my stethoscope, I asked him at the same time to point where his chest pain was. He pointed to the far right of his abdominal area. He denied having gallbladder problems that he knew of. Except he had beans for dinner and just had 2 bites.

The breathing treatment helped him right away. The wheezes that I heard were not detected anymore by the sensitive end of my stethoscope. I motioned for him to go inside an Exam Room and requested for him to remove his shirt.

“Oh…I’m embarrassed,” he shyly uttered.

“Why?”

“Because I’m fat and you’re gonna’ see that!”

“Sir, I’m not here to make fun of you. I’m here to help you with any medical problem. If you want to be sure that there is no problem with your heart, EKG is the only way that I can do to determine that.”

He laid on the table as I applied the sticky stuff (leads) and connected the wirings pertaining to those leads. His EKG reading returned normal. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“What’s your last name?” I asked.

“Freeman…”he replied wondering as he knew I already knew since I was holding his chart.

“If you’re a “Free Man”, what are you doing here?”

He didn’t answer. He laughed instead. So hard. I saw ‘Anxiety’ left. It was precious and what I was hoping for. Even for a minute. It mattered to me. Because we were in a place where Anxiety ruled.

“Thank you, Ma’am…I feel so much better…” I gave him his yellow pass as the Infirmary Deputy looked at him and asked him if he was ready to go back to his unit. He calmly received the yellow note and walked away slowly. Without ‘Anxiety’. At least for that moment…


Working behind the prison walls is always hectic. So many faces I encounter. There is ‘Depression’, ‘Fear’, ‘Worry’, ‘Jealousy’, 'Anger', 'Rebellion' and the worst one I see is ‘Pride’. These are the things that cover the inmates and co-workers’ faces. These are the veils that hinder them from seeing clearly. These are the same things that help erect the unseen walls and imprison their hearts and serve as barriers to see the true freedom that Christ offers and brings. Such veils can only be removed by believing and trusting completely in Christ.

You know we’ve been there before. You know we had those faces. We had those veils. “But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, then the veil is taken away. Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.” (2 Corinthians 3:16-18,NLT)

We have true transformations as our veils are removed. A work in progress that only the Holy Spirit does. The inner change occurs when we continue to follow His leading and knowing more about Jesus. And when we apply what we know about Jesus with the way we live our lives, we become mirrors instead. Mirrors that reflect God’s glory.

“7 The law that brought death was written in words on stone. It came with God's glory, which made Moses' face so bright that the Israelites could not continue to look at it. But that glory later disappeared.8 So surely the new way that brings the Spirit has even more glory.9 If the law that judged people guilty of sin had glory, surely the new way that makes people right with God has much greater glory.10 That old law had glory, but it really loses its glory when it is compared to the much greater glory of this new way.11 If that law which disappeared came with glory, then this new way which continues forever has much greater glory.” – 2 Corinthians 3:7-11 (NCV)

Don't Cancel Jesus

The dying Jesus is the evidence of God's anger toward sin; but the living Jesus is the proof of God's love and forgiveness.  ~Lorenz Eifert


“The supervisor decided she wouldn’t need you on Friday (today) as she would have 2 other nurses working with her already,” the email read from the person doing our staff’s schedule.

Fridays are usually hectic in the prison. Bins are laden with mountain-high pile of charts where the doctors’ orders need to be transcribed. In between that, inmates come in requesting to be seen where some of them do not follow the process of sick call and just want immediate treatment right away. Even if it is just a minor cold. Sometimes, it’s hard as time is taken away from those who have true emergencies.

It was not the supervisor’s fault. I cancelled my scheduled availability today for PM shift. I just wanted to work from 8pm-12 midnight as they also allow 4 or even 6 hours of work to help out. For personal reason. I wanted some time away from another particular supervisor who got involved with my battle to remain working part time. She should not have a part but she had a history of intimidating other nurses who were either fired or resigned on their own long ago. I wasn’t surprised with the way she rushed to intimidate me also, frighten me and other actions to force me to quit. Except…I never did. Until they got exhausted with their evil plans. I don’t want to see her at this time. I know she might not value the help I give (and the other hard-working nurses, too she intimidated). But one doesn’t realize the value until it becomes lost.

We can’t right all the wrongs. I know I can’t change her. Nor anyone else not only at my workplace but those who surround me. I see people who are so vocal about changing the world. But what’s sad…they don’t see that the change needs to start within themselves. Like me. I used to be proud. Of my accomplishments that I thought I did on my own. Until Jesus found me. He is the One Who alone can transform anyone’s hard heart to be softened and be likened in His ways. Nothing or no one else can.

Only Jesus…

“26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” – Ezekiel 36:26, 27 (NIV)

And though it seems true that the supervisor who cancelled my offer of 4 hours of work won’t need my help because she has other nurses, if one of them calls in sick or the day turns out to be very busy, their number won’t be enough to tackle the work load, they usually end up calling me if I am able to go in.

Jesus had offered Himself to help us. To save us from our sins. How quickly we brush Him off and think that we don’t need Him. We get so caught up with the things of this world that we don’t even hear Him calling our hearts to change. We may all differ from our backgrounds: color, culture, beliefs… The truth is…Jesus doesn’t need us….

But we all need Jesus….

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” – Romans 3:23 (ESV)

It’s not about what a man can do but it is about what was done for him that saves him. Don’t cancel Jesus in your life…

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2 (ESV)

The Song

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." - Psalm 28:7 (NIV)

“I think it’s legit…” the Infirmary Deputy uttered. They just had a change of shift so all he knew about the inmate I was keeping in the waiting area was that I wanted to observe him if he was truly confused. He was hit by another inmate and just came back from the hospital after treatment. They didn’t find any fractures or severe damages in ER after x-rays and other tests. He was answering appropriately when I was taking his blood pressure but when it was time to send him back to his unit, he started acting as if he didn’t know where to go.

“It’s hard to say at this point,” I told the previous Deputy, “Either he’s faking it or he could be starting with some symptoms if there was any injury overlooked in ER.”

“I feel like he’s scared to go back so let’s just keep him here for now.”

“You know what,” the Deputy replied, “We don’t change their cells anymore so maybe you’re right that he’s afraid to go back to the same situation, to the same cellmate or whoever hit him in his unit.”

“How come they don’t get switched around now…Is it because of our problem with overcrowding?”

“Yup…”

So, he was quiet. He was watching t.v. silently despite his left eyelid almost shut closed. He used the bathroom and seemed like he knew where he was. He seemed calm in the Clinic being a different environment than that of his unit. I thought I heard him humming at one point as there was a song being played from the t.v. monitor hoisted up in one corner. Until…as I was doing something to help out the P.A., the Charge Nurse called me and told me that someone had let him out from the Clinic and the control bubbles found him wandering all over the hallways without any direction. One unit deputy brought him back to the Clinic and when I asked him where he went, he told me that someone had let him out and told him to go back to his unit. I asked if he knew where his unit was and that was when he got quiet again as if he didn’t know what to say.

“It’s legit…” “He is confused,” the Deputy assessed on his own. I knew he didn’t want to keep the inmate any longer in the waiting area because he needed to watch him, too, for as long as we kept him there. While the inmate was patient to wait, he wasn’t… I was granted by the Charge Nurse to go ahead and just keep him overnight in our Special Medical Unit until he was to see our doctor in the morning. The inmate’s face lit up but remained calm. I knew he was comforted when he heard that he didn’t need to go to his unit. At least, for another 24 hours. And he hummed…Softly as being whisked away by the Deputy.

Waiting is always a hard process. For whatever each of us go through, waiting seems to be always involved and is crucial as a factor to determine how we react with any situation in front of us. But those who trust in God will discover that His grace is enough for our weaknesses. His power is enough to strengthen even though we are unworthy. Even Jesus went through agony in the garden before his crucifixion. But He waited patiently despite the ordeal that was to happen. He prayed. He waited for the Father’s timing. Not His. When God’s grace, love and mercy replace the sorrows and any burdens in a person’s heart, God’s gift of joy helps one overcome any circumstances that even through tears and heavy burdens, the heart can still sing…To praise God Who is quick to help out and save those who trust and hope in Him.

“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” – Psalm 40:3 (NIV)



My Father….Our Father….Who wrote a song of love first for us to hear and know His love for us…



The Father's Song

I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tongues
But there is one
That sounds above them all

The Father’s song
The Father’s love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It’s written on my heart

CHORUS:

Heaven’s perfect melody
The Creator’s symphony
You are singing over me
The Father’s song
Heaven’s perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you’re singing over me
The Father’s song

I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tongues
But there is one
That sounds above them all
[Sounds above them all]

The Father’s song
The Father’s love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It’s written on my heart

CHORUS

It’s Heaven’s perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you’re singing over me
The Father’s song

The Father’s song
The Father’s love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It’s written on my heart
[It’s written on my heart]

The Father’s song
The Father’s love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It’s written on my heart
It’s written on my heart
You sing it over me
Father

Doubting Can Be A Good Thing

I was assigned to orient a new Per Diem nurse last night when I went to work. The orientee got a call from one of the units and had requested if nurses could go there to assess two female inmates who got into a minor scuffle. I offered a deal with her as we started dashing out into the hallway that led to that unit. I asked her if she wanted to take one and I would assess the other so she could start honing her skills without me always breathing on her neck. She willingly agreed, enthused with so many incidents happening that would help her learn more in the prison setting.

They were “cellies” (cellmates). Different background and color. The orientee assessed the first one that the deputy brought to a small clinic in their unit. She was visibly very upset and angry. First time in prison. So angry because her release was approaching and she didn’t want any trouble. She wouldn’t stop talking and not listening at times to the deputy when she was asked to “shut up”...No obvious injuries. I advised the orientee to tell her anyway to request a sick call in case some symptoms would surface few days later. She kept crying while talking in a loud voice, looking at me directly in the eye, wanting me to believe that she didn’t start the fight. I kept silent as I was not in the position to relate anything about custody issues.

The second one was brought in (my turn). She was calm. Haggard-looking. Started whining that it was the other girl who hit her first that her tooth became loose. She lifted her upper lip and started pushing the only 2 teeth remaining on the upper gum. One was swaying back and forth. I asked if she had a history of using illegal drugs. She admitted that she did. Heavily. I told the deputy that there were very minor scratches on her right wrist and left side of her nose. I wouldn’t consider the loose tooth as injury.

When the inmates were brought back to a holding cell, the deputy and 2 of us were left in the tiny clinic. The other nurse asked me who I thought was saying the truth. I said the first one. She was surprised at first to hear my answer because there was no obvious injury with that lady she saw. She wanted to know why I chose her.

The inmate you saw was visibly upset. When something was done that violated your space or your privacy, I think I would be so upset. She was obviously bigger than the other one. If she truly hit the inmate I saw, there would be a bigger injury than those minor scratches I noted. Who knew? That inmate could have just scratched herself. There were nothing on her hands, too that if we saw redness or swelling or something, we would know, she was the one who hit the other lady. She was upset because she didn’t want to have any problems here that she didn’t even want to file a charge because she just wanted to be released and go home. The other woman I saw was calm. She was a heavy Meth user that all of her teeth were recessed to her gums except those 2 remaining teeth. One was loose but there was no bleeding and she was not even in pain when she was showing us and started moving it back and forth. If she truly got hit, there would be some swelling, bleeding, something that would tell us that something landed on that part of her face. It seemed like she wanted to have her cellmate be in trouble.

Photo Credit
The other nurse who perhaps, doubted my response saw a different light when I got done talking. She agreed. She forgot. There were always 2 sides to a story. But her doubting was a good reaction, too. It made her want to know the truth. In prison, not everything was told was the truth. 

Thomas, Jesus’ disciple didn’t want to believe that Jesus rose from the dead and didn’t want to believe until he saw the nail wounds in Jesus’ hands and feet, be able to put his fingers into them, and place his hand into the wound in Jesus’ side (John20:25). He was named “doubting Thomas” because of that and was applied to those who are slow in knowing Jesus as the Savior. But Thomas was the one who also said to die with Jesus despite the dangers known of being with Jesus when He was about to go to Jerusalem (John 11:16). He was loyal to Jesus.

I struggled with my faith at one point in my life’s journey. I think we all do the same. Doubting in God can be a good thing only if it encourages a person to get an answer and find the answer and decide from there. Doubts can sharpen the mind. Doubts can lead into seeking and finding the truth…

27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” –John 20:27, 28 (NIV)



Nails In Your Hands (Mercy Me)

(CHORUS A)
The nails in your hands
The nail in your feet,
They tell me how much you love me
The thorns in your brow,
They tell me how, you bore so much shame to love me.

(CHORUS B)

And when the heavens pass away,
All your scars will still remain,
And forever they will say,
How much you love me.

Forever my love
Forever my heart
Forever my life is yours
Forever my love
Forever my heart
Forever my life is yours
its yours
All posts/composed songs copyright by RCUBEs.



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