Letting Go

So…my husband and I had allowed our son to drive on his own since passing his driving test within short distances like visiting his friends and right now, as I’m typing this, he’s getting ready to play tennis at a nearby high school to play with his friends he had known since elementary days.

On my own longer trips, because he’s on a vacation, I asked him if he wanted to come with me and when he did, I often handed him the keys. Not only I was able to rest from driving and this time, was able to enjoy some scenic views but I was also able to observe his driving skills. I became comfortable the more I let him drive and make his own decisions knowing that I could trust him and him, knowing that his father and I trusted him.

“So, you’re gonna’ be visiting a lot down here when Kristian goes to college here?” my friend asked.

Adding with a laughter, she uttered, “She’d be spying on you, Kristian.”

I laughed. My son laughed. But as the laughter died down, I replied, “Spying? Hmmm…I know…That’s what moms would want to do.” Intentionally letting my son hear me and he knew this before anyway, I added, “But it’s not spying…It’s being a “mom”. It is a job that requires for us to be protective of our young. And in a very difficult moment, even if I don’t want to, I need to learn to “let go.”

This precious life that the Lord had given my husband and I is not only ours. This life was from Him. We were given the task to guide him. We were given the duty to tell him about his Father in heaven Who would guide him and direct his ways, not us. Letting go of our children’s independence is hard. But letting go is a must. If we truly understand that they need to have fear of the Lord, a good kind of fear, then we know deep in our hearts that “letting go” becomes easier. If their roots are also established in God’s ground of love, letting go allows us, as parents, to watch our children make either right or wrong choices, despite the pain wrong decisions bring. But in doing so, we have allowed them to feel our love and trust.

An enduring love is what I want my son to learn. Having this, I want him to know that he can always come back to his father and mother any time he chooses to, knowing that “open arms” are ready to welcome him, after he begins his own life’s journey. We want him to be aware that his journey wouldn’t be easy. There are hard times. But he is not alone.  I know…because our Father in heaven  let me go many times despite the pain it caused Him with my wrong decisions and watched me headed for danger. Still…I didn’t listen. And when I finally reached a breaking point and turned back to Him,  I only heard Him say, “I love you…”

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” – 1 John 4:18 (NLT)


Father, it is not easy to let go of my child to let him make his own decisions. But saying that is only to show fear. Forgive me Lord and continue to mold my heart. As a mother, help me show that by letting go of my child, I am completely trusting in You Oh Lord. From now on, I am "letting go" of my child to Your hands knowing that You are the One Who truly created him and will direct his footsteps as he begins his own life's journey. I pray that You will guide him with Your divine wisdom Lord and that You will always give him the gift of discernment. Lord, draw my son nearer to You. May he never forget to completely trust in You and in You alone. Thank You Lord for everything that You have done in our lives. Thank You for Who You are. Help our roots go down deeper into your soil of extravagant love. Thank You for Your love, mercy and grace. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Most Beautiful Word

Photo Credit

I’ve been sick, tired coughing from having this allergy symptoms this whole week. Despite the weariness from suffering from this seasonal illness, I went to see our child right after him and my husband left to go to the DMV to take his driving test last Friday.

I was barely fixing my car in the designated parking spot when I saw my son parking the car he took with him a couple of spaces from where I was. A lady dressed in a semi-formal suit came out and smiled when she saw my husband and I talking by my driver’s door and hollered, “What a good driver!”

We both thanked her as we waved at our son who had a wide grin and said, “0” to us.

“Huh?” my husband and I replied, dumbfounded.

“0 error, mom and dad,” he added after intentionally pausing for a few seconds.

"Good job!" we both signaled.

As my husband accompanied him inside to have our son’s picture taken, I sighed as I waited outside and stared at my son’s footsteps following his father’s.

I didn’t want to miss this new stage in his life even if I had been sick. My husband’s life I met with my own that merged to form another of our own and brought another life. Life we both treasure as it brought us immense joy. This is the life that made us more careful in our way of making decisions. Those wrong paths we took, we had told him to make his own footsteps to take another route.

Yes, I kept looking at my son’s footsteps. Footsteps that I always pray for, praying that his feet will follow no one else’s but that of his Father’s, because this life whether battered, beaten, crushed, or short-lived, will always be precious. What better way to live it than to know Who gave this precious gift in the first place.

The door was pushed by a pair of young hands as my husband followed this time as they both exited the building. I coughed a little bit. In between, we were all laughing. I was tired from both but it was all worth it as I heard this young man softly whispered, “Thank You Lord.”

He gave me a hug and his father and asked me, “By the way, mom, guess why I felt good from the moment that lady sat next to me in the car?”

“Why?”

“I said ‘good morning’ to her and she said 'hi' and told me, “My name is Grace…”

"Grace..." Yes..The most beautiful word I have ever known...

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:4-10 (ESV) (emphasis was mine).

Disrespectful and Lying Tongue

“But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.”

 – Matthew 15:18-20 (ESV)

“What?” I asked the acting charge nurse. “He’s coming down now?”

I went on a short break and the Charge Nurse had advised me and the other nurse that there were two inmates requesting to be seen. As soon as I heard the last name, it sounded so familiar. No wonder, it was the same name that the unit had called about the precious day. He committed drug abuse until it happened. He was arrested for possession of illegal substances. Maybe he got addicted to them because of his complaints of chronic pain. But when the medication nurses had caught him hiding the pills or the prescribed narcotics by our jail doctor to help him with his pain, maybe he wasn’t having true pain after all.

He had to pay for that action. The jail doctor discontinued his narcotics and was given a lesser strength medications that would still help him with pain control. He had been angry ever since and had complained of his symptoms becoming severe. One thing he didn’t know, the medical staff would at least observe something obvious if there was really something wrong with him.

“Oh man,” I sighed. “I wished I was here when the unit called because I wouldn’t let him come down here,” I told the Charge Nurse.

Limping and his mobility aided with a jail-issued wooden cane, he complained of his pain and dizziness being ignored. I would have listened to him but he added, “Aren’t they going to give me my “(name of narcotics)”?

I barely was trying to explain without putting him to shame, he kept cutting me off.

“Mr. E!” I yelled. “Let me speak! How can we understand each other when you are talking at the same time as I am?” The Infirmary Deputy was next to me, standing on guard if he would attempt any disrespectful words or actions. He kept yelling in angry tone but stayed careful, swaying his ID card with previous medications sticker taped on it and kept yelling, demanding for them.

Until he caught glimpses of our 2 medication nurses who both had caught him hiding the pills every time back then and who knew that he lied to exacerbate his symptoms in order to gain those narcotics back.

“Not until you see the doctor again, which is in the morning, no one can give you the medications you are requesting!” I ended the conversation and motioned for him to go back to his unit.

He was very upset but all he did was traced back his footsteps back to his cell.

I made sure his shadow had long disappeared before I spoke to my co-workers, “His unit was way far from our Clinic. If he was having trouble walking, he wouldn’t make it this far.” He got in trouble from their unit deputy for his argumentative behavior so he was written up for disrespecting staff.

Every one knew, it was always those simple things to look out for, and to listen to their complaints. How else can you catch a “lying tongue” but from the words they say? How else can you determine their true intentions but to observe their actions for actions speak louder than words, too.

“A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.” – Proverbs 19:9 (ESV)

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” – Proverbs 6:16-19 (ESV)

“Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him”

- 1 John 2:4 (ESV)

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” –John 8:44 (ESV)

Watch how disrespectful this inmate was to a judge....I often wonder, how am I acting and speaking in front of the "Judge"?

The Only Treasure

I used to enjoy going to work in the prison. After my battle with some people in higher positions started, I dreaded the atmosphere, but not the work. I knew from the beginning that the Lord wanted me to learn so much by bringing me into this dark place after I injured my neck in 1997. The moment He found me, I knew that He started working in my heart. Despite being surrounded with evilness and darkness, He blessed me tremendously as soon as I started working here and got out of my comfort zone from the hospital.

And He continues to bless me by faithfully being there at this troubling time.

I looked around and observed the people I worked with.

Those who loved money had been killing themselves working extra, longer hours to earn more.

Those who were conscious with the way they looked, often, talked about undergoing cosmetic procedures to maintain their physical beauty.

Those who were seeking pleasures for themselves were seeking in wrong places to satisfy whatever hunger their bodies had.

Those who wanted power only acted to feed their interests and they often spoke only about their accomplishments.

My self-fulfillment and satisfaction only occurred when Christ found me. What this world programmed in my heart was being replaced with His work in me. The process was painful. And it is still on-going…But nothing in this world would ever equal the joy and peace that Christ gives to a surrendered heart.

Christ indeed is the only treasure that fulfills everything.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:21 (NIV)

"For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen." - Romans 11:36 (NLT)