PTSD

The letters were very clear as I snapped out of my deep sleep early this morning. I slid open my cell phone resting on top of the table, with the alarm set to rouse me at a specific time. The light illuminated the little window of time: “2:38” in the morning. Still early. But the letters were so vivid.

P…T…S…D…

We all know this. It means “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”. It is an anxiety disorder usually associated with serious traumatic events that produce symptoms like: guilt, reliving the trauma, numbness, sometimes lacking involvement with reality, even worse, the recurring awful thoughts or images.

I sensed something deep in my spirit. PTSD…It was not about those who sacrificed themselves in the military and were traumatized by the effects of being shot at, losing limbs when bombs detonated, and seeing comrades fell on the ground.

It was not about those inmates who were traumatized by rape, witnessing a murder, or abused by either family members or others.

The Social Worker who came to our annual mandatory meeting had also talked about those officers who dealt with this disorder after responding to traumatic or very stressful situations. It paralyzed them. PTSD…But my spirit was not thinking about that…

I closed my eyes hoping to catch more sleep. It was difficult. PTSD was just dancing in my mind, trying to get all of my attention…

It brought me back to this spiritual battle I was in. Those letters revealed I was a victim, too, no different than those who physically and emotionally battle it. The letters brought a new meaning in my half-awake state.

P…..ast

T….rials

S….piritual

D…iscernment

Lifting the pages of my life’s story, I knew I had gone through so many trials from the past. So, this new battle was not something that surprised me. But what stood out was the ways and means that came to help me overcome those trials, no matter how big. It was because I was truly never alone. Someone kept His promise of not leaving me alone and instead, would be there as I go through all those trials. It’s true, even to this day. His Name is Jesus.

Though painful and traumatic some of those events were in our past or even at the current time, we can use these trying times to point those who don’t know Jesus to Him. We can let them know about the One Who has already conquered the world and Who truly gives peace in this tumultuous times.

Jesus prayed to the Father, “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one.” (John 17:15-NLT). We don’t need to escape from the world because Jesus desires for us to witness amongst those who are still lost and are spiritually dead. That is…if our hearts are willing to obey Him. Even through trials, God is using those events to make others know Him through our victories. Through our triumphs. Through our freedom. Through our being conquerors! Because of Jesus. (Amen!)

“18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. 19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.”
~ Romans 8:18-25 (NLT)

So, are you ready to “PTSD?” (Point Them away from Spiritual Death)… Are our lives reflecting His light and salty enough to affect those around us? I am a big work in progress but that is my desire...I don't want to blend in in this place. May God continue to work in each of our hearts.

I Have Limitations...But I'm Able...

“Give me a call. We have to talk about a lot of things…”

That was the call I intentionally did not pick up after asking why I never got a memo regarding these people wanting to stop my career as a Correctional Nurse. She said I seemed to have a lot of questions. That wasn’t true. I only had one from the start. And their answer was obvious right from the start. I lost my trust judging from their actions which were totally in contrast to their words spoken.

But I had no intention to give up. I had no intention to just wait and not do anything.

They said I lied. It was very clear I didn’t.

They were forcing me to work more than I could handle.

They made me feel I was incompetent.

But I don’t believe them.

God Who accepted me from the start told me otherwise…

“You can do all things through Me Who gives you the strength.”

“Don’t be afraid or terrified because of them, for I go with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Me.”

“Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.”

And there are so many more wonderful and true promises that I know but don’t have enough space here. They can try to hurt me but they will not make me paralyzed in fear because I won’t face them with my own strength. I gave it to His hands as soon as this battle started. I have limitations. They know that but they don’t know that my limitations do not make me incapable of accomplishing things for His glory. He started this work in me. For where I am not capable, He sustains me. After all, He is God Who is able!!!  He turns my ordinary abilities to extra-ordinary. He uses my limitations to make others know that it is His power that strengthens me. Through trials that break me and expose more of my limitations, it would be more foolish to run away from Him. People who have power at work who thinks that I am at my lowest point have no clue that it is in these moments when God lifts hearts that are broken at His feet.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” – Ephesians 3:20-21 (NLT)

Friends, while you're here, would you please pray for me regarding my trial at work? The Lord knows what's going to happen. Please pray that all the lies be exposed to His light and whatever He wants me to do for Him at this time, I will not miss. Thank you for all of your encouragement and prayers. God bless you all.

Shake The Dust Off

“Eeewwww,” exclaimed one of the medical secretaries.

“What’s wrong?”

“Look Rcubes! Look how thick the dust is!”

Our supervisor had moved a huge copier machine that belonged to Psychiatry and had placed it in a spot where it used to house the diabetic charts inside the Clinic or Infirmary. In the prison, Psychiatry had their own agenda, separate from the medical staff. It just didn’t belong there. Everyone was surprised because it took up a huge space for something that was not often used by everyone.

The secretary shook her hands after touching the keypad that had the controls for this machine.

“Eewww…I don’t know why I even touched it!”

“That’s okay. We’re not used to having it here that’s why we’re all not happy about it. I hope that it would be moved to another spot if they can find any other place where it won’t take up this much space we need here inside the Infirmary.”

That was only an equipment. But the people working in the medical field is another thing. Our work is easy, so to speak. When problems arise, it’s not usually about work but more of the people and their attitudes or work habits. I discern many spirits here. Of pride….. Laziness…. Anger….. Rebellion….Lust…and many other. It’s hard to be working in an environment where bitterness and envy among people dwell and here you are trying to do the best for God’s glory as His child.

When God brought me here and had taken me out of comfort zone many years ago, this was the place that had brought me to a more intimate relationship with Him as I needed more of His guidance, wisdom, discernment, protection and other things. Here I learned how real it is that I can’t make it in anything apart from God. Here in this place, is where I know this is truly His battle, not mine. Here in this place, is where I learned that His power is truly amazing and that by the utterance of His Name "Jesus", how spiritual enemies cower.

As I go through a big battle against those in power, fueled by pride and self-interests, the dust reminded me of how I must respond to this trial. Reading His Word and knowing that He commands for believers to love Him first, then, love others, I, too must learn to forgive no matter how big of a wound these people are creating in my heart.

“If a village doesn’t welcome you or listen to you, shake off the dust of that place from your feet as you leave.” – Matthew 10:14

The prison is a place where unbelief resides and perhaps, having no faith and belief in God. This is where God’s gift of discernment is truly much needed by those who reflect His light. There is a perfect time to share and a perfect time when not to give things that are holy.  

Every time I welcome sunrise after  hard nights of work, that’s what I intend to do: “to shake off the dust of resentment or animosity towards these people who want me to fail.” I need to leave those if I want to be obedient to God Who deserves all my heart, all my soul, and all of my mind. I will not worry about the injustices done to me knowing that I can fully rely on Christ Who promised to bring justice in His perfect time.  I don’t need these dust to cling to me and hinder me from doing what He willed for me. So, why should I be afraid of them? Nothing can separate me from His love. But it is my duty to continue sharing His love, grace and mercy to those who need to know Him, the way He found me, too when I was lost. I will not be afraid of what these people intend to do with this work that the Lord has given me in the first place. I know I’m in Good Hands. “I know…” Because He wrote my name on the palm of His hands (Isaiah 49:16)

I Know

“I know…”

“You do?” “Sure…Yeah, right…”

My friend noticed I had a habit of saying “I know” a lot in every conversation we had.

“It’s hard,” she vented one time, “I don’t have anyone else to help me with things.”

“I know…”

“No, you don’t…because you’re not in my shoes,” she stated.

“Oh…it hurts,” she complained of different aches.

“I know…”

“No, you don’t…You don’t have the pains I’m having,” she replied.

I never noticed my “expression” until she had noticed it and had brought it to my attention. I told her I might not have the same problems or aches she had, but when I said “I know” I meant it because I felt like I was going through the same problems and was having the same pains. Because I love her.

That’s being a friend after all, right? It’s placing ourselves in our friends’ shoes  so we can share with their suffering and just by being there for them, somehow, we hope that we are able to help out doing so in easing their pain or making the burdens a little lighter.

“I know…”

I’m confident saying that and in my spiritual state should be the same. Knowing the truth that the bottom line is my spiritual victory is not something I have accomplished but because of what Jesus did for me. And for you. And for him. And for her. For all of us.

As I go through this tough battle at this time, I am not afraid because I KNOW, my Faithful Friend is always there for me. And that is the truth!

“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”

–John 15:15 (ESV)