Suicide In Prison



The scene was chaotic when I arrived on Wednesday night to help the only night nurse for a few hours. She was on the phone. Getting one phone call after another. While a bin of charts was next to her on the floor. Awaiting to be reviewed. Each case to be evaluated by her and cleared to be transferred to another facility in our county. Or be transferred to another prison.

The evening crew was tending to their needs. To finish their own charting. I saw different faces in suits, calling nurse after nurse. I heard…one prisoner committed suicide hours before I got there. He didn’t make it. And the nurses involved were being interviewed by those interrogators. To find out what transpired during that time they tried to save the young man’s life.

Suicide…is a problem we encounter at my workplace. Time to time… Knowing when and how to intervene is important. But despite the knowledge we, nurses, acquire from training and eventually talking to suicidal inmates or treating their injuries, still…It is hard to deal not knowing what truly goes in someone’s head. In someone’s heart’s core.

Depression indeed contributes…A feeling of emptiness. Of believing that they just exist. Because they have nothing left in life that makes it worth living for…

It is often hard to explain that suicide is not always the best answer to exit life’s chaos. As we start to monitor such individuals until they are seen by the mental health doctor. For their safety to themselves.
It’s a part we have to do…To dig deeper and try to sort out where such intentions are coming from. And in each encounter I had from the past, I often found out… it was not easy to throw the question but it was worth trying to lay it in the open:

“What does life expect from you?”

And how quickly one’s mind changed…In a matter of minutes during that short-lived interaction. To realize that what mattered was not their belief that life had nothing for their expectations. 

What mattered was “what life expects from them…” 





 Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool-- why die before your time? – Ecclesiastes 7:17 (NIV)


The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. – Psalm 34:17-20 (NIV)



for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." – Romans 10:13 (NIV)

Without Love



"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. – Luke 6:37 (NIV)

“They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" – John 8:7 (NLT) 

“Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.” – Colossians 2:8 (NLT)

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1 (NIV)

“Ms. N! Go through that door!” I called the inmate the deputy escorted down to the Clinic to be evaluated for her complaint of right wrist pain after falling from her bunk bed.

“Not yet! Rcubes!” hollered one of our medical secretaries as she pointed to the deputy talking with the Infirmary Deputy and motioned me to follow her as she needed to tell me something before seeing her.

“Just want to warn you, nurse. That she always complain about something. When she said she fell and hurt her wrist, I don’t see anything wrong with it. She’s that type who always wants something. I don’t want to do an injury report if I don’t have to,” she added.

“No problem. But it doesn’t hurt to take a look at it. Because we don’t want anything to come back to you and I just in case something gets worse. Because other problems don’t show until much later,” I replied.
She was young. Her long hair dangling as she moved forward toward the chair I told her to sit on. Everything was normal. Including her wrist. She thanked me. I showed her how ready I was to deal with any possible problem by having the cold ice pack ready. The Motrin for pain. And the flexible wrap to wrap her wrist with. But I didn’t need to give any of those. 

She was moving her wrist well. There was no swelling. There was no deformity. She never winced nor grimaced at any time. 

I sent her back to her unit with a reminder…That she could always seek help from us. In case, something might get worse. Any symptom. She thanked me. The deputy sighed with relief that she didn’t need to do any injury report.

I did my job not as a nurse. But as a Christian believer. Yes, a follower of Christ. Knowing that what His Word said, there was no bias in Him. I am not to judge whether someone has true injuries or not. 

Because it goes the same deep within. From their hearts. I am not to judge who’s got a broken heart or not. Because in reality, everyone needs help. And it’s only the healing from Christ alone that can help that heart heals. 

It is His Word that helps me deal with things that come in my way not only at my work but everywhere I go. It is good to ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” I know what Jesus does always come with love. 

Love that is…patient…Kind… Does not envy… Does not boast…It isn’t proud… Doesn’t dishonor others… Not self-seeking… Not easily angered… It keeps no record of wrongs… Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth…

Always protects… Always hopes… Always perseveres…(1 Corinthians 13)

“What would you do?”

Into Your Hands



For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath beforehand ordained, that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers. 
- Psalm 1:1-3 (NIV)

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. - 2 Timothy 2:15 (NIV)

If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him. - John 12:26 (ESV)



My husband and I started laughing so hard . The anticipated text came in to both of our cell phones.
Breathing a sigh of relief, as our laughter echoed in the whole family room, we read the same text that read “I’m okay.” It was from our son. Away for a night and 2 days. A mandatory orientation in the college where he was supposed to go this Fall. 

As a mother, that night seemed the longest. As I cracked open the dark room. My son’s bedroom. The smell of freshly washed sheets wafted, coming softly to my nostrils. The silhouette of his art slightly visible on the walls. There was only one missing

My son…Our son…

And how my husband and I missed him last night. He had been good about updating us with what was going on in his orientation. I knew he was excited. As he started taking each step into discovering new adventures. 

Our son… 

Who used to steer his Fischer Price car as his feet propelled it fast then suddenly made a quick turn, making it glide in a precise circle in our living rooms. Its vinyl-tiled floors, which my husband and I installed in our old house, scratched with glistening white streak marks from his “pretend car’s black wheels.” Yes, that toddler who enjoyed the bubble baths…Took pictures with theme parks’ characters…Made little pancakes on Saturdays with his daddy…Counting with his numbers…Drawing or sketching with his markers…Who gave unexpected hugs and sweet kisses…

Now…A grown-up man…

The gnawing fear in a mother’s heart from his separation slowly disappeared…as waves of thoughts flooded this mother’s heart…Waves of merciful grace that reminded me every time I wanted to be faithless that I should be strong instead…Because He has better plans…As He always did no matter what trial my husband and I had gone through. He always sustained us both with His grace, love, and strength…

I slept…without worries…Knowing that despite it would be hard to let our son go and step out into this place filled with uncertain things, he would be okay…Knowing that my husband and I would be letting him go…Into His Hands…

I’m okay…Good morning…Luvu…” my son texted to us this morning. I smiled and knew Who to thank right away for my son’s protection. No doubt. He would be starting a life of discoveries, meeting new friends and challenges…And I prayed…That he wouldn’t forget the Hands that hold him close. The Hands that never stopped serving when He was here. And my son, being His child, I prayed would always follow. A life of being a servant…A humble servant…in the days to come...

Lord, I pray…for us, as a family…to never stop loving You and remembering Your goodness all the days of our lives. Lord, help us surrender everything in our lives daily to You. Please use us as Your instruments for Your glory. Thank You Lord that You are always there for us, never leaving us especially at times of trials where our faiths are being tested. Please protect us. Comfort my husband’s and my heart as we let go of our dearest son into this world. But we both realize, we are letting him go into Your Hands that will wipe out our fears. As our son begins his life of service for You. May he bless many that You bring into his life and that You alone, are always glorified. Thank You Lord for everything. Thank You for Your love and mercy. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Faith...Even If It's Small...



"You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." – Matthew 17:20 (NLT)

Her words I sort of expected. But at the same time, I was hurting knowing my friend who recently injured her left foot needed the equipment the doctor ordered to help her ambulate than crutches. 

“She denied it,” she gasped, sensing her astonishment and anger at the same time. Anger that slowly built up as she waited for the equipment to be issued. Day after day. For weeks. She was talking about the Work Comp insurance person who dealt with her case.

I’m not surprised,” I answered.

As I remembered clearly at the same time I was conversing with her, that I, had gone through the same trial when I hurt my neck in 1997 in the busy Orthopedic floor where we both worked before. I knew, like her, I didn’t want to deal with any hassles. I just wanted to be treated until I could get better and go back to the same work I had been doing for almost 10 years at that time. But my neck pain never improved. Every time I was there, the burden of caring for joint patients became too heavy for me. My neck pain always was aggravated every time I was barely starting my shift. Until I was able to make the transition to Correctional Nursing in year 2000. 

Looking back…I knew it was God Who coordinated my transfer. I vividly could hear what the treating doctor told me:

“Get out of Nursing…”

She started sobbing. I remained silent. I could feel the weight in her heart with all the things she had been going through. Hurting her foot was not even half of what she had to face daily. 

She faced mountain after mountain of trials. I might not have been in the same shoes she has…But I had been there. I truly understood from my heart. All the mountains of heartaches and frustrations I had to face. And learned to overcome. The buckets of tears I shed. The many faces I dealt with who seemed to not believe in my injury. No one understood at that time. For what I had gone through. Except one.
Jesus…

And I knew…despite the mountains I had to conquer, His promises always rang true. Of how He would always be there for me. Because He had gone before me. He suffered before me. He did…Because He loved me…As He loved all. 

And every time I conquered each mountain, every miraculous strength and triumph, it was because He made me learn…That by faith, I could. 

Even if that faith is as small as a “mustard seed.”

Faith that distrusts self-reliance…And faith that is laden with fervent prayers that should be presented to the foot of the cross…Where there, Christ’s arms had always been open…To accept a broken heart…

Jesus responded, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" – John 11:40 (NLT)

"What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."

– Mark 9:23 (NLT)
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