Listen To Me

“God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain.” - C.S.Lewis

“But I don’t like to do this! I have told everyone here that I’m not diabetic! I’m not on meds! I’m not on anything!” uttered this obviously upset female inmate. When her turn came to do her blood sugar check, she started going off, while the others before her were efficient in doing their own and receiving the morning insulin doses and sat right back to the chairs in the waiting area.

I didn’t expect that from her. I had seen her before as I always tried to help the LVN’s do the morning accuchecks on the female side. So they could just concentrate on the male side, being that there was a big number. I didn’t want our attention distracted, much more so with the Infirmary Deputy, that I always volunteered to take care of the female diabetics.

She continued to complain and whine loudly, as if I had caused her all the troubles. I wasn’t saying anything the whole time and just let her do the ranting at the beginning. The big glass partition window, almost fogging up with her breath of anger every second that passed by. Almost out of breath and breathing fires through her nostrils, she smeared the Accucheck machine with her blood.

“That’s not the first time she did that, Ma’am!” whispered one disgusted inmate. The rest who saw what she had done did not want to use the same machine fearing they might catch something from the blood-smeared tiny machine.

“Listen to me!” I spoke with a slightly higher tone of voice and didn’t allow her to cut me off the entire time, as I waved at the nearby deputy, giving her a signal that I got it and did not need her help at that time yet.

“You don’t have to come here screaming at the top of your lungs when the nursing staff is just trying to help you. We won’t force you to do your accuchecks if that’s what you want. When you first came in here at this jail, your sugar was way high, that’s why the nurse who saw you started this to monitor you.”

“Here!” I continued, “Just sign this piece of paper and you won’t need to come down here and act this way, smearing our machine with your blood, when you know many use this. As long as you’re aware that we’re not going to be responsible if anything happens with you when your blood sugar either goes way high or way low, then, just sign this. Even up to the point of death as a consequence since we wouldn‘t be able to check your blood sugar!”

She was visibly wanting to interrupt me but something held her back. At that time, I wearily remained quiet but constantly looked at her eye to eye. She tried to avoid my eye contact. She paused. Smokes stopped coming out of her nostrils by that time. She must have started weighing in the word “consequence” when I said it loudly. She got quiet and proceeded to do her accucheck anyway. I had heard, she came with the rest of the group, day to day ever since.

I wonder how many times I ranted in front of Him. Of the way I like to run things in my life when obviously He’s the only One Who has the control. Why doesn’t it sink in sometimes? And every time I reach the limit and try to meet Him and question Him, He doesn’t come with a roaring Voice. He never meets me with any surprises. He remains quiet most of the time. But in that silence, that’s how I know He’s there. He’s giving me that opportunity to be quiet myself. To learn to be still. To be able to listen. To be able to trust. To be able to believe. So I can know more things about Him. He lets me think over what “consequences” will happen if I don’t go His way. He lets me think things through. That just because I think I’m right doesn’t mean I am. He knows best…And I know being my loving heavenly Father, He always wants the best for His children. Even if it would hurt at times. Yes…in that silence, in that quiet place, that’s where I feel His presence the most. And He's inviting all to "Listen to Me!"


“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” ~ John 10:27

Kill Him

He sat there, staring at the wall, mumbling a lot that was incomprehensible whenever we would pass by. His white hair covered his head, thinning, his hands shaking, and his steps slightly wobbly as he tried to wander here and there.

“Aren’t you gonna’ bring him to Unit 15[special unit where they housed the mentally ill and those with special health needs]?” I asked the deputy who just brought this elderly inmate from the hospital. He appeared tired and wanting to not just take care of him anymore. As two other younger deputies joined him in echoing their frustration on what to do with this guy.

He was not capable of caring for himself. He soiled his pants most of the time and wet it, too. Our prison was not designed to do bedside nursing. So there was no choice but to send him to the county’s hospital where there was a jail ward.

“I don’t understand!” a teeny female voice that came from one of the deputies broke the silence and weariness. “Why don’t you guys just prepare that injection….you know…..” she didn’t finish her statement as no one was saying anything and didn’t expect her to say that.

I stared at her, eye to eye as she was trying to say to give this man a lethal form of injection as he seemed incapable of doing anything anymore. She stopped mid-sentence as she saw me with penetrating stares through her blue eyes. She didn’t feel my agreement with what she just uttered.

But life is precious. Only One gave it, made it, formed it. Wouldn’t it be His right to take it away, too? In His own, perfect time. For us, humans to think that we must have this right to die, knowing how we can’t trust our ways of reasoning, just doesn’t seem right nor fitting.

I saw it in my own father’s suffering. When he was dying and was laying there on his bed for a couple of weeks. The colon cancer invaded his strength, the excruciating pain he must feel that made him beg, day in, day out, for the Maker to take him home. But through it all, people who came to visit him, saw the joy in his eyes, despite the suffering he was in. He made people cried. Not with sorrow. But with tears of joy and happiness as he shared what He knew about the Maker. About His blessings in his life. Neighbors were wondering why my brothers and I were laughing out loud everyday, when my father was dying. It was because my father never stopped telling funny stories. He said “I love you” to each of us, his children in countless times.

I knew then at that point, God used that painful trial my family and I had to go through to bring others to Christ. He used my father’s faith to make people see that He was there, sustaining us all with His strength and peace and joy to overcome this painful transition of my father from life to death. Or was it?

As Christians, we are given this hope of eternal life by our Lord. Death then, is not the end. It’s only the beginning of eternal life. No more pain. No more tears. No more suffering. Only in His presence.

Euthanasia can be a difficult issue. But we all know that death is inevitable. Noone wants to suffer but God does use those sufferings for His purposes.

“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.” - Ecclesiastes 7:14

“Not only so , but we also rejoice in sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance…” - Romans 5:3

The Stealer

Photo Credit

“Put your hands up and lean your hands against the wall!” yelled the deputy, after gloving his hands. He was upset when one of the LVN’s called him after seeing that this particular inmate wove his right hand through the thick, glass partition window. Through different sizes of boxed gloves and tried to reach for a pen. He was still holding the pen when the LVN, sitting from where he was, suddenly looked up and caught him.

“I was just going to write something!” the inmate tried to make a plea to the taller deputy who started searching for his pockets and started checking his body orifices.

“I don’t know what else he took “profanity” …….!”yelled the charge nurse. “You are supposed to only take your blood sugar and not help yourself with things around here!” she added.

Who wouldn’t be angry with this inmate? When he knew the rules that they were not allowed to have any pens. They can be made into a potential, harmful weapon if it ends up with their hands.

Most of the nurses were yelling profanities against him. As I watched the deputy and saw him found a few graham crackers from him. They were not harmful. But the problem was his blood sugar level that morning was normal. And he wasn’t given graham crackers at all.

This inmate knew he was in deep trouble. Either he would be put on discipline where he would be housed alone for a certain amount of days or his sentence would be a little longer. Or both.

It’s easy to see ourselves justifiably angry against sins. Against someone else’s sins. But we must speak against sins in the spirit of humility. Oftentimes, the sins we see in others are the same sins that have taken place in us. How often have I witnessed a “gossiper” at work, upset and critical of others who gossip about him/her?

We deal with thousands of inmates. All there because they committed crimes. Murder. Rape. Stealing. Abuse. And many other evil things. They are living their lives devoid of God’s knowledge.

“When they refused to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their evil minds and let them do things that should have never been done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, fighting, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud and boastful. They are forever inventing new ways of sinning and are disobedient to their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving. They are fully aware of God’s death penalty for those who do these things, yet they go right ahead and do them anyway. And worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.” - Romans 1:28-32

We can never think that in God’s silence, it’s okay to do these sins and get away with them. God is a merciful God Who is being patient and is holding back His judgment so we can turn away from our sins. As Christians, we must ask the Lord to search our hearts so that He can heal them and help us turn away from doing those things that do not please Him. I’m not perfect like you. But we must continue to learn more about Him in order for us to be victorious. To be holy like our Holy God.

Jesus is the ONLY WAY. The ONLY TRUTH. The ONLY LIFE.

Life's Purpose

I just got done dispensing the meds this Sunday morning from a huge machine that spewed thousands of pills for the inmates’ morning and noon doses. As I went back to the Clinic, I overheard a conversation between 2 of my co-workers with the Sergeant who loved talking to these two specific nurses.

“So, when are you retiring?” asked one to the Sergeant.

“In about 7 ½ months,” he replied as he sat comfortably,  slightly leaning back on the chair.

“Wow!” exclaimed the other. “What are you gonna’ do then?”

“I think if given choices, I would still work somewhere…I can’t imagine myself just doing nothing after having a good time seeing places. You know, maybe work part time. Just to give a purpose into my life,” he responded confidently.

All night, they talked about his plans to see this place or do that thing. I sat there quietly. Just helped the staff assistant who stayed overtime for 4 hours to help the Clinic with piling paper works.

The Sergeant’s word “life’s purpose” cut so deep into my mind. I started wondering if all of them there knew what life’s purpose mean. As I started to evaluate my own knowledge right then, my mind busy working. To be a nurse? To be a mom? Oh how my mind wandered to many possibilities of life’s adventures! But as I sought His leading, the imagination was not about me anymore. It headed down to knowing how God made each of us and everything here [1 John 1:3]. We surely can’t be proud of anything because everything came from Him. We all exist because God made us all. All my life’s goals and achievements I did and continue to achieve because of the talents He gave me [us] in the first place. We are made to worship and obey God. The way Jesus did. He gave His life on the cross to fulfill the Father’s will. So we may live. And as we accept Him into our hearts, a purpose was planted: that is….. To seek Him first so we can know more things of God and then… to bring others to Christ.

“And so we keep on praying for you, that our God will make you worthy of the life to which he called you. And we pray that God, by his power, will fulfill all your good intentions and faithful deeds. Then everyone will give honor to the name of our Lord Jesus because of you, and you will be honored along with him. This is all made possible because of the undeserved favor of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ.” - 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12