I Failed

He was one among the others I had dealt with before…In need of help from the medical staff as they battled the symptoms that plagued them for years. Being locked up made it even harder for them to deal with ever growing loneliness behind those thick prison walls. The moment the heavy, metal doors slammed behind them, males or females, they had to face a lot of other battles immediately: isolation, rejection, harassment, intimidation, bullying, shame, hopelessness, onset of sickening withdrawal symptoms from abused illegal substances, mental torture and hearts slowly being drowned with waves of current troubles they carried with them from home.

The female deputy wheeled in a young, male inmate from her unit. About to fall off from the wheelchair she was pushing, his body was obviously rigid, his mouth constantly opening yet it failed in producing complaints that he wanted to say. He was shaking uncontrollably. His heavy, very rapid breathing like that of a car racer’s engine was going on, unstoppable with the verge of collapsing on the floor.

All of a sudden, he grabbed my right hand. The deputy and the other nurses stood nearer to make sure he was not going to hurt me with his "not welcomed" behavior displayed. I sensed the tight grip of my fingers from his rigid hand as I met his eyes, which started to turn red and filled up with tears.

“It’s okay,” I told him and the staff on alert.

“Are you scared?”

“I…just…needed…to talk….to someone…” he uttered in broken words as the tears flowed from the corner of his eyelids, struggling to produce each words.

“You can tell me anything you wanted to share…if you feel that it will help you…” I reassured, his grip loosening a little bit.

No words came out. He never turned his head and just stared at me. Eye to eye.

I had seen that look before. My spirit sensing his need. Not for our help from our physical hands. But a need for a Savior. I felt like a failure every time. With others surrounding us, I couldn’t bring up about “Jesus”.

There were 3 of us, nurses, who surrounded him and tried to calm him down. We knew he was having a severe panic attack. I called the ER doctor to get an order for a calming medicine. I told him we needed a “shot form” to make it work like “Stat!”. He understood the desperation as I barely knew his medical background. I could only relate the symptoms I was witnessing. I looked at the syringe again, filled with the clear medication that would oppose his symptoms. I aimed for his right thigh. We watched the improvised “vomit bag” to cover his mouth and saved some of the carbon dioxide he was exhaling at a rapid pace. His rigid body made him grimaced time to time, complaining “pain” as he or we tried to move him to get his comfort. A few minutes passed…he began to relax his breathing, his muscled, tired from being rigid and perhaps from spasms became relaxed.

As we kept and monitored him for a few hours, he was able to sleep and kept thanking us. In between those moments of rest, he was able to tell me that he caught his best friend with his wife having a relationship but they were not the reason why he was jailed. He was there because he was a “parolee” and during one of the officers’ routine checks, they found the 3 guns he was keeping. Then, he got worried about his 2 little sons so he wasn’t able to sleep since he was incarcerated. That was when the anxiety attack hit him hard. I reassured him that I would have the Mental Health Doctor see him as we transferred him to another unit capable of caring for those individuals who had mental health issues.

“Good job, Rcubes!” the Charge Nurse hollered as she saw me let go of the inmate from the Clinic.

“You handled the situation very well,” she added.

“Thank you, but you were also there,” was all I could say.

She would never know. It was the opposite for me. I felt like a failure and unable to help that man. Spiritually… Every time I waited for that perfect place…For that perfect time to share about the Good News...It was always wrong…Because there was no such thing! Oh, I pray that God may give me more courage to plant that seed from Him even with the expectation that the ground about to receive it is never ready. For Jesus alone is the One Who will till that soil. I am only to plant. And I fail…every time I don’t even try to throw that seed. Same seed He planted in my heart. Forgive me Oh Lord!

 "And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."
Mark 16:15 ESV

 "And he said to them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."
Luke 10:2 ESV



A 911 Emergency Call you will never forget from teamjesusconnect on GodTube.

7 comments:

  1. Hugs to you Rosel. You were planted right there at the right time for Him. I guess it is hard to believe that God does not look at us as failures.

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  2. Your heart was willing...God knows that...(HUG"s) Dee

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  3. Hi RCubes -

    I believe that that man felt the presence of JESUS being transmitted from you. Please know that our Lord can indeed give you holy boldness to witness for him. Your love for our Lord is obvious...

    Ref: That 911 call - I'm not clear on whether the young man lived...

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  4. My heart weeps for this man, Rosel.

    Wife unfaithful, young children with no one to really care for them...

    Pray under your breath, Rosel... even just a faint whisper... God hears. You did not fail, your compassion flowed through your eyes... and your hands. God knows. And now as I read your words, I too am praying for him. Father, reveal your heart for Him, give Him a hunger for you, let Him cry out to you in desperation... meet him at his point of need.

    Love
    Lidia

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  5. Someday, in light of eternity, we will see just how God used His Body in concert to bring about the conversion of a soul; many souls. One plants, one waters, one fertilizes, one weeds & feeds, another prunes, yet another harvests. We are used mightily, if only in the offering of a cup of cold water in His name ...

    Well done, faithful servant.

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  6. Rosel,
    God has planted you where you need to be. Remember that ... HE uses you ... you are HIS child. Do not be discouraged ...
    Blessings,
    Bren

    ReplyDelete

"Faith is taking the first step even if you don't see the whole staircase..."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

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